feelings

i feel a slow burn in my stomach. waffling between anger and wanting to lash out. flail a little. and sorrow. depression.

last night, watched a stupid bad movie. but jackie chan can make me smile anytime. and it fit the bill.

yesterday someone spilled pigs blood outside the front door of a San francisco Arab American center...

it's started.

the hate mail. the death threats. the phone calls.

the blood was accompanied with a phone call "we've left a message for Bin Laden at your front door"

this terrifies me. and sickens me.

mosques have been shot at.

men have been beat up.

will this ease as the days go by, or just get worse?

i feel sick.

i want retribution as much as the next person.

but i'm afraid once it starts, we won't know how to stop. and the innocent. and the people in the path. the somewhere-in-betweens. will be mowed down.

it's just going to spread.

i have one friend saying the way to instill fear in america again is to go to countries that harbor terrorists and pull *anyone* and everyone from their homes and hold guns to their heads. search for proof. and show them that we're not fucking around. not kill anyone. just instill the fear of our might. and the only way to do that is to not discriminate.

god.

i don't even know what to say.

i'm finding i don't even know what i think or feel.

beyond the burning. and the sad.

that's all i know as truth right now.

i know that ...just like i never believed something like this could ever happen. and if someone would have told me it would i would have rolled my eyes and thought they were conspiracy theorists... i've now embraced the "well it's over. it won't happen again. nothing is going to happen here *now*. now is just hte aftermath and rebuilding"

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