brain farts

caught myself reaching for the phone. to make that call "youok? we ok? what are you letting build up in your head til it blows up into something it shouldn't be? what anger are you harboring?"

bad habits.

i hate anything unspoken. i try to have all the uglies out in the open. but sometimes that puts me in the place of being the one to placate. or prove that i care. if someone doesn't know that after years, then i've been an awful friend.

mahalia jackson can TRULY belt it out. let me tell you.

or could.

i had more sex dreams last night. they're coming fast and furious lately. not sure what my subconscious is trying to tell me. maybe that it's time that i start thinking about intimacy again. i don't know. or , hell, i could just be horny. (horny cracks me up. horny! horny. keep saying it. come on. do it. you'll feel ridiculous too.) ..if i were a boy, i'm sure i'd get the morning boner. (sometimes i dream i'm a 12 year old boy... with everything that goes with. what's that mean?)

so anyway. i started to type out details, and then decided... like you want to or need to know.

i've known people who talk about their sex life non stop. (i might have once been one of these people) ... some do it because they're excited about it and happy about it. and then some do it as a loud cry of "look. i'm desired. i'm worth while. *someone* wants me". this has made me very self conscious of what i talk about with strangers... it frightens me and makes me sad hwen i see it in others, and it's something i never want to be seen in me.

with my friends. that's another story.

do love that morning boner though.

um. hi?

where the fuck is my brain taking me at night. shut up!

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