blah blah etc.

i've been riding this strange wave of phantom sadness this week. (phantom because i don't really have anything to feel sad about)..
it seems to start on BART though, so maybe it's just that i keep leaving monk back at home.. and when i'm at home lately i've been working on the computer. maybe i just feel not enough quality time. i'm not sure.

when c left i was so very hurt and i wanted to translate that into the fuel of anger.. and i did, but except a few key points..not with any rationale. because underneath all the hurt turning to anger, i knew that shit happens. i knew that people change and fall out of love and don't stay on the same page and that how people deal with those changes.. is different from person to person. i'd been him before. i'd fallen out of love with somebody who still loved me. and i'd left. i *knew* what it was like, but i was so hurt and the more i couldn't rationally be angry the more angry i became.
the most i can hope for is .. .well two things.
one, that we get lucky enough to change together and always be on the same page.
but in the unlikelihood of that happening! i can only hope for a relationship in which , if/as we change apart or are on different pages. we talk about that and try to find a way to come back together into at least a chapter together (deep, yo).. consecutive pages maybe. .. so if it seems to not be working for a little bit. which will happen, it just happens to all relationships...we figure out how to rework somet hings and get it puttering along happily again. you know?
and it's hard with expectations and deeply rooted hopes and all that. people fall into patterns.
but i believe.

and now i'm going to go hate on photoshop some more. i don't really hate photoshp but i'm fucking sick of working on it at work and at home lately. i feel brain dead and zoned out.

i really have to work on my school app soon.

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