for the broken hearted.

mm hotel biron ..my favorite blue collar wine bar. cheese, wine. you will be mine tonight.

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when someone is heartbroken.. and barely able to breathe, think, sit still, sleep.
i want to sit down facing them, take their hands in mine and look into their eyes.
and i want to say "this is the one time that time will mean nothing to you. when everyone will give you the same tired line of how it takes time, and you will hate time and you will hate to hear it. and it will stay true. you'll want to choke time out of existance and possibly the person mentioning time.
and right now you're just concentrating on breathing and abating the feeling of dread that hangs over everything. i know it. the dread and the horror and looking forward and seeing nothing but more dread. dreary.
but it will get better. and you won't believe me, and despite your not believing me. it will still get better. and you wont' want it to get better, because you'll see that as losing something or letting go of something. and because you're still waiting for the person that will metaphorically wake you up and say this is a bad dream. and that could still happen. but if it doesnt..despite the fear of loss or letting to...of getting better, you will let go and it will get better and it's at that moment that it no longer feels like losing something. but not until.
and you are feeling like you will never ever feel like this again. and never love like this again. maybe never love again at all. but if you do it will be a shadow of this love. the connection won't be the same, the intensity won't be the same. the emotion won't be the same. and if it's not the same, you dont' want it. if it's different, it will be less than. you'd rather this dread feeling than less than.
words like "love of my life" and "this was perfect" roll around your mind (even while you remember how it wasn't perfect. the perfect outweighs it) and you're right about all of this. and at the same time, you are unequivocally wrong.
you will not love this way again. it's true. and you will not have the same connection again. the emotions won't be the same. it was perfect in its way. he was the love of your life.
so far. your life so far.
and you are going to keep changing. you won't be able to help it. it's the most natural thing in the world. you are in charge though.. of how you change. although maybe not when it starts, because you might be stuck where you are for a little while , while you get through these feelings.
and as you change. your feelings are going to change. not just your feelings for the person you're no longer with. but about yourself and your needs and where you're going. and you'll still be the same person at the same time.
and you will love again. you don't believe me. partly because you can't. and partly because you actually don't want to yet. but you will. sorry, like it or not. you're gonna love again. and it is going to fulfill a whole different set of needs and its' going to be a different kind of connection and the intensity will be different and .. you will love again and it will be entirely different. and you don't want it to be. but by the time you love again, you will and it won't be less than. nor will it actually be more than. it will just be new. and different. it will make perfect sense. and you hate me for even saying all this, because you are in pain and you are in love and you want exactly what you want. and you will for awhile still and that's ok. well actually it sucks. but that's ok..
one day, you'll think about that person and you'll feel a slight sadness. a 'what could have been feeling' but you'll realize.. in fact, you don't really feel very much at all anymore.. i mean yo ustill care, but you dont' feel negative emotion and the positive emotion even is kind of vague. and the first time you feel it it will feel like a loss of a new kind, but a few days later it will make sense and it won't feel like an insult to a love you once had or to him/her or to yourself. it just will be what it is. moving on. living. loving.
some people take longer than others. but if you're a lover and a leaper and a truster... you'll get there. (and you are)
but all these projections of the future mean total dog shit right now. because where you are right now is here. and fuck time and fuck moving on and fuck loving again and fuck me and my assurances that you'll be ok
but..even were you to fight it. .. it will happen.
and it will be different.
and it won't be a loss. and it won't be settling. and that person won't be the one that got away.
all the things that you tell yourself regarding this stuff. you are wrong. "
and none of this is soothing. but i need to say it to the broken hearted.

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