missing him already

i gave boogie monster some biscotti from my pocket and now he's staring very fixedly at me and making little disturbed grouchy noises , expecting maybe my pocket is an endless hole of biscotti almondy goodness.

i'm sad today. I have a relationship with a friend that is one of teh most emotionally fulfilling relationships i've ever had. and vice versa, i guess. intellectually & emotionally . so much is good. but it's not IT. you know. "it". maybe one day in the past it could have been. but i know him too well, know me too well. know what has made me genuinely happy and what will continue to do so. and emotional fulfillment sounds like what we all want, right? but, that has so many facets. i never laugh like i'm five. i never get to have just pure undiluted joy that i get to *share*. he enjoys it through me. but he's 70 in a 36 year old body. except for his perverted sense of humor, which is 12.

anyway. he thinks he loves me. and maybe on some levels he does. we really do have a great thing. our friendship is rare. but if he actually tried to date somebody like me, he'd try to contain this thing he admires as a friend and he'd become resentful and so would i or whoever.

we are close because we have the freedom to not go home together.

but he's not moving forward because he focuses on the satisfaction our relationship gives him. it's been enough. but it isn't *actually* enough. so he is taking (another) break from me, and the one person who knows me best, and believes in me most...will not be a part of my life for awhile.

and some of us who know him best, we tease him about it, or make fun of it when we're away from him. it's teh way we are. but.. he has been one constant that has felt incredibly necessary.

anyway. hwatever. for all my mocking. i feel sad. i look athim over dinner and i lovehim. and he's beautiful. and he's the smartest person i know. and he knows all my faults and still thinks i'm worth more than most. and i'm not in love with him.

and my other best friend in this city. they were once as close with each other as i am with him or with her. and so they're bitter about each other. and it's all pretty stupid. and i'm ranting and i'm usually so god damn vague that fuck it. you will take my openness and you'll fuckin like it.

he's grouchy and crotchety and most people don't seem to get it. and i'm tired of trying to explain it. he's my best friend, no matter how he and i make fun of each other. and that's that. and this is it. and eh, it will be fine. it always is.

it's very few people, unless we're the most open on the planet, that we can be totally open and ourselves with . pure and undiluted. without fear or fronting.

i will miss it.

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