good and bad.

i have to admit. i feel pretty sure , inside, (rather than outside?) that i'm not going to feel that way again.

you know. "that way"

i spent my 20's feeling that way. and easily! quickly. fiery and combustible even.

and i had this combination desire/need to feel taken care of...to find men who didn't seem to need taking care of... instead who made me feel girly and safe... but who also let me feel like i was in control o fthe relationship.

i think i recognize that that is not what i should do again.

but, when i try to imagine feeling without reserve. when i try to imagine that falling feeling. (love is like falling and falling is like this?). or that beaming expanding feeling. and , i just can't. i remember the feeling and thus can imagine that. but i can't even begin to picture a future scenario.

not unhappy. but there's still this little bubble of hopeless in my belly in regards to being more than where i am ever again.

and it sounds so melodramatic, but ... it feels more realistic than that. just that nagging feeling.

and i dont' know if it's because i still have a foot in the past. or if it's because of some inherent brokenness/fear/insecurity. or what i'm looking for that might be unrealistic. i just can't picture anybody feeling like home again. other than boogie.

it's , as i said, just this stupid nagging feeling.

pah!

my house is so not finished. and tomorrow i'm supposed to have a lot of people over. hah!

and my hair smells really strongly of cucumber melon and i'm not sure if i like it ... i mean, it's awful near my face. so i have to smell it all the time.

and the wool i'm knitting is totally pretty.

and my closets are clean! oh my god you have no idea what a big deal that is.

and i have a four day weekend. hah.

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