today and sadness and drums

i was walking around the city at lunch. getting a rug for my bedroom.

and thinking abut the things i try never to think about.

like how he's in love with and living with another girl and has been for a while now. and i knew way before anybody ever told me. and then i stuffed that way down inside and chose to never ever think about it . ha

he's developed a relationship, made a home, has a nice quiet little life.

while me. four years later. i am still a little fragmented. and searching. and lost. and hurt. and hopeful but weakly so.

and renovating my house finally because i haven't been allowing myself 'home' ... maybe because i believe that's something you create as a two and not a one? that's just dumb, no? anyway. the house is coming together and i'm trying to make it more homey.

and deciding to just go forward as though i'm going to be one. and not focus on hope for two. and there's a feeling of sadness to that action.

so yea, i was walking around downtown feeling kind of sorry for myself. and a lacking. and a 'how did that happen. how did he get to move on first. punk ass'.

and then i saw a man on a bike in a wet suit with a drum strapped to his handlebars.

and i smiled all the way back to the office.

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