the price of honesty?

and maybe as a continuation of the last entry

and now that there's all this space ahead of me, now that i've laid down some of my burdens from behind me. chris, worry about calling edfund, etc.

mabye that's why i turned to them, on our long walk saturday and said "i feel a little lost"

without focus, somebody said.

without direction, i think in my head.

scattered and unable to pinpoint where it happened.

and there's a line from a mTe song..one of my favorites of the new ones , in which he says "and i don't have time for you right now, i'm busy feeling sorry for me"

gotta break out. get out. none of that, heather.

and what i did on friday was tell somebody what i thought their motivations for something were. for seeing me. and i would have been open to a refute, or an agreement too. i wasn't invested enough that my ego would be hurt.. i didn't mean it accusatory or even belittlingly. it just felt real. and then, as a mea culpa. a "but look, i'm no better" i told what i thought my motivations were. and it came out as an insult. understandably.

before, when i was younger...when i would have wanted to end something. i would have come up with excuses, or slowly blown somebody off or just disappeared. but 2 1/2 years of celibacy and staying out of the field...i seem to have forgotten how to play

and sex just isn't as important to me. i don't need to be or want to be a booty call. i like sex. don't you dare get me wrong, bub. but, i can get myself off. and i'm not dying of horny. I can wait. and it doesn't have to be love, but... it's got to be about something more than the act.

i just don't have time to fake anything. but, i still don't always know how to not fall into the trap.

but ... it might not have been the best idea to say everything that was on my mind. you know?

i was pretending this person was my best friend and i could just unburden all my confusion and clarity, and they'd think that was graet. i forgot that what i was saying was going to impact the other persons ego, feelings, and that their motivations might not even always be what i think they are. but .. what's done is done. eh?

and then, i didn't realize the importance of something to another friend and let her down too. and, i just feel ... like i wasnt thinking things through very well this weekend. it wasn't even going from the gut. it was something else. tonight? bath.

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