things on my mind after the weekend

I had a weird weekend. full of eye openers and clarity and wakeup calls.

I think i believed..once i started making headway on some of my huge debts and had let go of chris...I would be complete or whole or ...right where i wanted to be.

but every now and then something happens to shake my foundations and remind me, i still don't know what i'm doing half the time. and i'm reminded that I don't know what i define as a fulfilling or worthwhile life... and until i figure that out, I'm going to be ever striving for the next best thing.

I went to a house warming party for an old friend, a roommate from college that i hadn't seen since college. so..9 years. and a good portion of the other people there I also hadn't seen in 9 years.

when i lived with them, i was in the depths of my shut-in, depressed shy years. I rarely left my room except to go to work. I slept or sat in front of the computer a good portion of my life.

so, at this party..i ate a pot cookie. mistake number one. so, the inevitible happened. I had an anxiety attack.

and in these anxiety attacks I see myself in a different light. in some ways i'd call seeing myself honestly, and with clarity. objectively. but, it's only thruogh a negative filter and i'm no longer capable of seeing the stuff that might balance out what i'm feeling/seeing.

so, from here i'm going to write a bit about what i see when i see 'that me' ... and i will preface it with: i'm not trying to be self pitying, i'm not trying to be too hard on myself... and i've gone around and around this circle before, and poor iota has had to hear it ..it's just been awhile.

these thoughts are always clearer in my head, before i get to the point where i try to transcribe them.

the people at this party... they're a little more activisty than i'll probably be. a little more spiritual than i will be. i'm an atheist, but i don't think that doesn't mean spiritual but still...

but, i admire them. not a one of them owns a tv. they are proud of the things they do. they always seem to be *living* and *doing*. connecting and experiencing and thinking. ah hell this is my take on them, i don't know who they are behind closed doors. i make assumptions. we all so often assume other people live life better than we do. i assume other people think while i spend all my time trying to not think too much.

when the truth is we are all floundering half the time. letting ourselves down, letting other people down, doing things right, getting a perfect moment or a moment in which we realize...wow, how did i get to this place?

so the place i felt i was in, yesterday was...

i live my life superficially right now. i look for the next big time sink. i watch tv, i play on the internet, i sleep, and i go out drinking with my friends...and get to that bantery happy tipsy place...

i tell myself i'm good at people and relationships and then a few things happen to remind me that i'm not so good at it as i think. that i think i understand a situation and i just don't. I dole out advice easily but i begin to wonder if i give good advice because i'm detached on some level. I've started living casually. i date casually, i socialize casually, i spend my time at home casually. i just want to be entertained all the time. i've caught myself at a party, talking to somebody for 5 minutes but my eyes are darting elsewhere....what is it i'm looking for?

do i not create things or play an instrument at home when i'm alone because nobody is there to say 'wow, heather...you're doing great. that sounds good. that looks good" or whatever the proper positive feedback would be.

I don't think i'm uninteresting. but,, i want to find myself more interesting. I don't want that situation to arise wher epeople say "what do you do?" and all i want to say is "i don't know". i hang out wtih my friends, i watch tv, and i go to work and i'm mediocre at it all.

i want to be more than mediocre, and by this i don't mean that i think i'm a mediocre person. no. i just think i put a mediocre amount of effort into things.

i want more meaningful connections, i want to have things to talk about beyond how i feel about something/someone and know how to hear what other people have to say without needing it to be emotion based. i want to have people 'splain stuff to me.

and lately i have felt this urge to say "what do you *do* when you're at home" and ..i want real answers. what *do* you all do when you're home? do you make things? do you write things? do you have meaningful conversations with your closest friends? do you talk politics or books or philosophy or music? or do you talk about each other? or do you watch tv too.

do you need too much positive reinforcement, or find yourself addicted to socializing?

do you think "i should drink less" and then realize that that thought is followed immediately with "god that's going to be hard" which is a little worrying.

this sounds so... scared or floundery. i feel pretty fine. even clear. but... i talk the talk a lot and don't really walk the walk.

i talk about getting a french horn, or finally writing a story, or making my boxes...

but, i watch tv. and i go to karaoke. and i look for the moments most filled with banter and laughter and silliness. the flashing of body parts, the lewd..

i think i want to be more now.

i've let go of chris. i've started focusing on past debts. school loans and taxes. but, i'm still unformed and i'm not exactly wher ei want to be.

i am messy. instant gratification and so many little factors keep me at a point where i'd be embarrassed to introduce somebody to my inner life. to the mess that is my room or my finances or the disciplining of my dog, or the things that i know and learn or do . so, i live casually. and superficially.

and i talk the talk here, because... i've realized these things about myself before...and not done anything about it.

maybe it's much easier to beat oneself up for traits one has than it is to change those traits?

am i waiting to be inspired? do i think that somebody else will come along and i will be so inspired by their presence in my life i will start doing *and* being instead of just floating?

do i expect that a click will just happen and i'll start walking the walk?

I don't think life works that way, self.

i think i have some inherent selfishness and inconsiderateness that i try to hide from people and every now and then they rise to the surface and effect the people around me. the boy dog. myself. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm trying to be simultaneously selfish and there for other people but these are at cross purposes you know? relationships with ourselves and others, are difficult. and it's really easy to convince myself that i'm a pro at them, but...god i'm just not! i don't understand me much less you.

and sometimes i understand myself all too well and i just want to give myself a spanking.

and they're all a part of this quest for entertainment and ...at the root of it, real connection too.

how many years do you spend on the road heading towards change before you finally take the fork?

this is not the entry i wrote in my head last night and on the bus this morning. but it's an entry none-the-less.

p.s. and please, i'm not fishing here. it's not necessary to make me feel better. i do feel fine, really. i just am feeling overly self reflective. i think it's good. the end.

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