All the ones i've loved

To All the (Wo)Men(Things) I Have Loved Before

My first love was my first cousin. I was 5 and convinced I would marry him when I grew up. He knew I loved him and often used the magical words "I won't be your cousin anymore!" to get his way. I would burst into tears and do my best to placate him til he promised to be my cousin again.

My second love was the son of one of my mother's best friends. Marty. Marty and I would lay in his parents bed watching Star Trek and we would smooch with pursed lips during commercials. Then on my 9th birthday he came to my birthday party and met my best friend. He fell in love with her and sat under a blanket with her. The rest of us were outraged and threw baby powder and shoes at them. don't ask me about the baby powder part.

My third love was a girl named Amelia. We would practice our making out together and smoked our first cigarettes together (awful awful experience) and told each other our dirty secrets. (did you know you can have dirty secrets at 11?) We had a very innocent dry humping kissing sort of relationship and then i moved away and I think she was freaked out that she was a 11 year old lesbian and couldn't handle talking to me anymore.

Soon after Amelia I discovered my pillow. I fell in ...well, something...with this big fat pillow i had with a picture of a horse on it. how fucking perfect is that? yea! well, that was my humpy friend til i discovered people.

My next in the line of great loves was named Van. He was a ministers son and very religious. I wasn't anything. He licked his lips at me one day in class. I was a freshman and i turned bright bright red. He thought that was fabulous and his 16 year old self pursued me. Mom thought he looked like Howdy Doody. I broke up with him 6 times. wrote him 11 page letters. and when he finally broke it off for the final time, i was heart broken and took 2 years to stop thinking about him.

When I was 16, I met Gregg. He was my first really strong love. and proceeded to be my first in a line of many things. I thought 14 was very grown up when i was little and promised i'd wait to have sex til then. at 14 i extended that to 16 since at 14 i still wanted to pretend i was Princess Heather with the power of ESP. Gregg took the cherry. oh ho. Also, he was an amazing friend and I sometimes wish I still knew him.

at 19, i had 3 whirlwind days with a boy. i don't know if it was love. but i got intense and silly and wrote a lot of letters. because of potential, he belongs in here. i've only saved the letters of 3 people. so ... potential is an important thing in ones life. to have that.

Vince. I had an enormous crush on him from afar. for months and months. then one day I was sitting in the sun at school (now in community college) . and I see him laying down about 10 feet away, soaking up the sun. My best friend at the time suddenly took off his boot and threw it at this beautiful boy. glug gasp ohmygod john knows him. The first words i ever hear him say are "fuck you, i'm taking a siesta". I proceed to make him become my friend. I go out of my way to take him places, invite him places. I am stupid and gaga and sometimes sit with my sunglasses on and stare at him, occasionally sighing...as though my sunglasses will keep him from noticing this. He knows and teases me for the crush but has no real interest in me. thinks i have a great smile but isn't particularly attracted to me.. doesn't especially have a thing for curvy girls. besides, girls with crushes are notoriously more neurotic than they really are. One week, I go camping with some friends (god that was hell. a 13 mile hike to some tepid stinky puddles they called "hot springs")...i have plans to go to a foreign movie with V when i return. I get back, shower off the stinky hot springs and go to pick him up. We drive to the institute for international studies, where the film will be playing..but i've never been there and we can't find it. the time the movie would start passes. We drive back out the valley where lives and fill a thermos with mexican coffee. (tequila, coffee and kahlua) . we drink it in a meadow under the moon, which is full. he falls asleep and I listen to his heart beat. He wakes up and opens his eyes and I am staring down at him and we kiss. We have sex a few times. He claims he just wants to be friends (with benefits) ..i say ok..but within a month we're pretty much in love and within two months we live together. I never have trusted somebody the way I trusted him. We proceed to live together for 3 years. and are together on and off for 6. He was the pivotal relationship in my growing up. I learned more about myself and the world with him. I became who I am.

and last but not least. The reason this diary got started. C. The best and worst of my experiences. but mostly the best. i miss him a lot sometimes and love him tons. I have realized it's best not to have him in my life and I don't really need to say a lot about him because all you have to do is go back to the beginning of my diaries and it's well chronicled. It still stings.. my ego is healing. I wouldn't like to feel that way again, but I would never take it back. I'm terrified of relationships and that i might be broken, but that's just stupid self defeating talk.

the end.

I wish i still had that horsey pillow.

I just got an email about a clown erotica show on sunday and i'm trembling with excitement.

xo

heather

[ previous� �|� � next ]

�

�