grief

ok , so my second performance of Macarthur Park was not quite as consistently bellowy and wailing as the first, but it was close.

I think it's time i cut down on social lubrication. If you have an active social life, that leads to a lot of lubrication. not healthy. super ego says bad. ego says don't worry! super ego has bigger fists.

i used to walk down the street. 3 years ago. and i was convinced that sadness and grief burned out of my eyes. that even if my face was impassive. that i was still a gargoyle of grief and that people had to feel the impact of it as i passed them. i would look at a man passing me and wonder if he could feel it coming off me. or if they looked at me for a second and our eyes met, if it hit them like a wave of heat. grief and sadness. I was convinced it was palpable.

and you know what? i think it was. I think it rolled off me like heat waves on asphalt.

but you know what else. I don't worry about that anymore. I think that even when i *am* sad. or feeling loss. or hurting. .. i think it's shallower now and has no bite. and no oomph. and my personality and my core self have dominated. I don't think anyone can tell anymore. because it's no longer the bigger part of me.

pictures of boogie are coming. ready yourselves.

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