slaid cleeves and hidden stuff.

i am thinking what i can't say.

and i woke up ungodly early to have a conference call for the big major company whose website i work on. the mexico office. i didn't understand most of what was said. i guess i'll be winging it.

i went to see slaid cleeves with fuzzyboy last night.

weird. good. okay. hard. easy. all rolled in one. and slaid put on an amazing and wonderful show. he's one hell of a musician. and his bassist was phenomenal.

baggage still there. but i'm patient where before i was impatient. and i'm aware that someday i'll get there, so now that ibelieve that (where i used to not) the length of time it takes or the scenery on the way. just matters a lot less.

sometimes i still don't *want* to get there. would rather just make it change . back. or away.

but i am no longer the instrument of my own self-torture is all.

but...

there is a spot between your shoulder blades. where i wish i could place my palm.
it still feels unnatural to not slip my hand into yours. i still feel a magnetic pull towards your skin or your smile. i want to face you and put my forehead to your chest and lean.
i am overwhelmed by the desire to touch you still. because it is just what i feel i should do.
and why do i do this to myself then? because someday this will pass. because i am facing forward. and allowing others in. and i'm not concerned with these feelings. they just are. and they've mutated enough from what they were, that they will continue to do so. and a world without you in it? seems wrong and empty indeed. and i'd want none of it

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