tired

i feel like my current insecurities and floundering. they have hurt us.

and becoming.

i am floundering with wanting to be and the cold hard fact that i have to become first...

and i feel like this awkward place

has hurt something that was so important to me.

like she and i have a burning space between us.

and i see reflections of who i was (usually in her). which is more what i'm having a hard time letting go of than letting go of him even. i came to this a week or so ago. crying in that womans office, because...i want to be who i was. i want to be the quirky onfire girl who had never really been hurt. who was blase in the face of pain...because she'd caused it but hardly ever felt it. who thought her world would *always* be ok. i want to be that hard fireycold fierce being that i was. even though i wasn't necessarily happy then.

because now i know i'm changed. i'm different. these last two years have changed me. but i haven't figured out how. i'm not there yet. i haven't figured it all out. i haven't come to terms with who i've been who i am. who i'll be. i haven't come to terms with the things i pretend to be. the things i'm in denial about. and i dont' want to become anymore. it's no fun, god damn it. i just want to go back and be in familiar territory.

i don't *want* to be changed.

and i should. i should be healthy and be happy with my changes. with going forward. with learning. with becoming a newer stronger better me.

but i'm not.

i'm pissed the fuck off.

i don't want to become anymore.

i just want to be who she loved

and who he loved

and who i knew.

because i don't know this.

and i'm tired.

and this tiredness makes me feel ashamed.

and i feel like my weakness in the face of this. giving into this weakness. has caused some permanent damage. and i dont' really know how to fix it. or if i'm even capable of it. or if the people who it's (i've) possibly damaged even want me to anymore. .. or if i even want me to. ...i mean, i do. of course. but you know...inertia.tiredness. it keeps me still sometimes.

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