the possible manipulative nature of honesty.

i had a good time at costume karaoke.
belted out my usual macarthur park, drank a little too much, had my first hangover in a long time.
walked around patting people on the ass with a giant monkey hand on. met new people, felt friendly and happy. all this following esperpento which used to be my favorite restaurant but i think it's not as good as it used to be. or it might have been an off night.

i find i am noticing a strange thing about honesty. i tend to try to figure myself out , why i do what i do. etc. i try to be as self aware and honest with myself as possible... but i've noticed that honesty can be tricksy and manipulative.
i think one (maybe myself in particular) has to know that self awareness is not the end of hte process, because if you say "i have noticed that i do this negative thing, and that it is because of this other thing that I think i do it" and then don't take any action to change that thing. it is worse, perhaps, than not being aware of these things in yourself at all. it's easy to realize something. verbalize it. and then keep going as you were. it's hard to realize something, verbalize it, and actually try to change it.
i have also noticed that it is easy to notice a tense moment, or something that might be leading to anger, and to pre-empt it by saying "i know i do this" and then sit back. because somehow, blunt honesty can diffuse a situation. if you say, before the person can confront you , "i know i do this thing and i know it affects [you, my job, our relationship, my life, the dogs life, your life, whatever]" .. it can change that moment into something a little weaker.
and that's manipulative, isn't it?

that's all for now. i fell asleep on the hydrobed at my dr's office today. it was very warm and nice.
tonight i leave for hte mountains. again .

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