crying

watching some corny romantic comedy on the eve before serving divorce papers. the beginning of your period. a huge salad in your belly and no boyfriend for the night

and some how ...serendipity .. the main song for the movie was one you sort of considered 'yours' so many years ago when just becoming an 'us' before becoming a 'non-us' again..

and suddenly sobbing. because of endings and beginnings. because you failed at something that was once a very beautiful thing. because you haven't cried in 6 months or even really felt sad and what a good thing that is. and because there's still some sad in there but pretty much it's been overshadowed with happy but oh the sad it can be.

and because there's some fear of somehow losing this new something good because maybe you never fully learn because that isn't how love works anyhow.

and because you're letting something go, this is sort of the final goodbye. or hurrah as it were. or whatever

and at one time, when sad..or depressed. you could put his face on it even 4 years after the fact when he really had nothing to do with the sad anymore...he just was a symbol of it, and realizing if you have felt depressed or sad in the past 6 months, his face is no where near it.. and that's an interesting thing, because it's meant confronting your sad as it really is. but ...you are not sad very often, just scared sometimes. so it's been. so it will be?

who knows

but there was crying and it was a wrenching kind of crying and it hadn't happened in over 6 months and...it was cathartic.

even if it *is* just the womb talking.

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