� | click here for flickr! 2003-04-12 cd's kind of funny because i'm sort of the opposite now. I wonder if a child would make me nervous though. I mean, all that need and all the responsibility i'd have for shaping the person they become. their psyche dependent on many of the choices i'd make. i remember ..sometimes affection would come in weird spurts from my mom. She'd grab me and kiss me all over my face and hug me. and I would hold my breath and go still, like you do if a wild animal suddenly isn't running away from you. it was akin to fear combined with happiness and instead of relaxing into it and hugging her back. I would have this sharp pain in my chest and that breath-holding feeling...like if i expressed how much i liked it or that i was very happy...it would go away. I think even then I was aware that people are scared at too m uch emotion at once. so even now, when something makes me happy..I get that breath-holding feeling and my head feels light and I don't know quite what to do with myself. express it or hide it or hold it in or gush it out ... i'm a hell of a lot of heather. why would i be afraid to inflict that on somebody? only sometimes. yea...just sometimes. i think it stopped raining. i made a cd that i am calling "wistful maladies" and it's making me happysad. [ previous� �|� � next ]
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