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2002-12-02
101 things
101 things of solitudinousness1. my last name did not become my last name until i was 25 years old. i was not born with it and i didn't marry into it. nor did anyone adopt me at age 25
2. there was a period of my life where i tried to get everyone to call me by my middle name. my Aunt was the only one who did.
3. i have a habit of appending the word 'face' to all of my endearments.
4. i once had a pet chick. yellow and fluffy. that i kept in my closet.
5. the chick did not grow into a chicken. my non-cat-dog pets rarely did grow into adults.
6. i had a secret world that i went to and i convinced myself that it was real
7. i believe this came after continued disappointment when i would thump on the back of my closet, so i took matters into my own hands
8. i also believe this meant i did something very akin to meditation at a very young age.
9. i was obsessed with mickey in the night kitchen and i am not sure if it's because it's such a good book. or because he was naked. maybe both
10. my father claimed i taught myself to read at 3. my mother has never verified this.
11. my 4th grade teacher wrote on one of my grade reports that "heather continues to require constant attention" and this made c laugh because supposedly it continues to hold true.
12. I think i've changed a lot
13. i'm not sure that people not close to me notice that i've changed at all.
14. i learned to swim very young and my favorite place was under the water, where everything was quiet except my heartbeat.
15. I remember my nursery school teacher's name and nothing else about that school. her name was windy.
16. when i was 4, my best friend and i got in a fight and he threw a shovel of sand in my face
17. i remember specifically what it felt like to have q-tips rubbing against the surface of my eyes.
18. i learned young how to milk a cow and fight a rooster. I didn't learn how to stand up for myself against people for many years longer
19. i've always been moody, even as a child.
20. i used to pout to myself when i was little that i was very sensitive. now i often worry that i'm insensitive.
21. i'm in a bad mood lately , more often than i'm in a good mood, and this is a new development.
22. I think i know why and i'm not really facing it.
23. i convince myself that i have time later for everything that should be taken care of now.
24. i am my biggest wall
25. i have been in love 3 times.
26. i sometimes become superstitious and think 3 was a charm.
27. i am horrible with money and organizing my life.
28. i am often good with relationships.
29. i think these two things are more tied than i give them credit and the second will never be as strong as i'd like because of the 1st.
30. the first book to make me cry was The Bridge to Teribithia
31. after that, if i came out of my room sobbing and snotting. my mom would say "what are you reading now?"
32. my mother runs marathons and i both am proud of her and wonder where i went so different.
33. i have always envied loud raucous families
34. i wanted a brother named benjamin
35. i'm an only child.
36. i did some forward chugging and now i'm at a bit of a standstil.
37. i have more ideas than i do action
38. i used to have one friend. now i'm a social nexus.
39. i don't feel that i force that and I like where i've come to socially
40. there are a few easy way outs i'm taking and i'm not proud
41. i become infuriated very easily lately
42. my favorite craving foods are chicken wings, artichokes, popcorn and cheese.
43. i still love. and i hate admitting it because i feel like there's something wrong with me.
44. it rules my life less than it used to.
45. i'm scared of the grates in the street that have a gaping maw below them. quicksand. whirlpools. tidal waves. anything that involves drowning, basically. and never feeling a certain way again. and being damaged.
46. i have abandonment issues
47. i have met 3 famous people.
48. i used to eat sprout sandwiches constantly as a child
49. i have been turned on to a good amount of the music i love by people i love
50. i have not turned many people onto the music i love
51. i don't want to be defined by bad things that happen to me
52. my mother and i did not start having a good relationship til partway through my 20's.
53. it is a goal of mine to one day own a horse again
54. i have a scar behind my right ear due to a horse accident.
55. i once forgot to cinch my horse tight enough and ended up riding her belly. this did not result in a scar.
56. i have been bitten by fire ants.
57. my biggest weakness is that i always assume something will come along and fix things
58. i used to purposefully antagonize my own grandmother
59. i once used a croquet mallet to fight off a ghost.
60. i once danced around a pitcher of orange juice so i could turn it into blood
61. i have put on at least 11 plays that have never been seen by anybody but my grandparents and parents.
62. i made a girl drink a drink when i was 11. that was made up of all the nastiest things i could find in my fridge. i told her i wouldn't be her friend if she didn't drink it and she did. i think that's the worst thing i've ever done.
63. i want to be in control but want other people to take care of things for me
64. i have a mole on one of my cheeks and above one breast.
65. i have had breast reduction surgery. my boobs were once DDD's
66. i had sex for the first time when i was 16.
67. i have lived with two men as lovers. and uncountable as friends.
68. i have lived with few women
69. i think my dog doesn't like brown people. i'm not sure why and it's a little embarrassing
70. i just exaggerated.
71. i have met over 50 internet people
72. i secretly long for winter nights and baking bread
73. i would fold in a week.
74. i don't like gambling
75. i clean up nice but am more often really frumpy
76. i don't look much like what i see in my inner eye
77. i can be mean
78. i am still afraid of certain shape because of body memory
79. i can eat copious amounts of wasabi without it hurting me.
80. i have 18 homies
81. i read 42 books in ireland
82. i rarely read anymore
83. i waffle back and forth between drinking too much. and not.
84. i can't afford my life.
85. i am going to be ready for a new page in my life soon, but i'm not sure how to implement it
86. istill haven't entirely erased my vision of who would be with me when i implement
87. places i have lived: vermont and california.
88. places i want to live: vermont, california, texas.
89. i have never been to continental europe or mexico
90. tijuana does not count as mexico.
91. i did not graduate from college but went to college for 6 years.
92. i still daydream that i will find my niche.
93. i hate babytalk
94. except when pixieboobs does it
95. i can't believe i'm on 95.
96. i dissected a fetal pig when i was 14 and i loved doing it
97. i have ridden in the back of a cop car once.
98. i have never been inside a police station
99. my first dog was a st. bernard
100. i lived in a house once with sulphur water and everything smelled like rotten eggs
101. i am full of promise.the above 101 things have been appended to 106 things. a good friend e-mailed me about something that was missing. and i found what was missing very interesting, in that i didn't really think about the fact htat it was missing. i didn't even think about adding it. i referenced it only on one line and that was line #51. these get their own #'s. 1. i have never truly felt i had a father even though i reference 3 men as "father"
2. my mother has always been the one who counts
3. many people would like to label me a survivor or a victim.
4. i do not believe in victimhood or survival. they are too broad and too narrow for what it is to really just ..live. love. forgive. be. and let go.
5. i did not forget to include these because i want to forget. but more because it is less a part of my whole than it used to be. it is the ever shrinking woman inside me, always there but smaller every year.
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