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2006-01-24

i live in a jungle.

the past few days i've felt like i'm overflowing my edges. my clothes fit hte same.. my engagement ring fits the same.. but i feel as though i'm straining againt' my clothes. i feel like a sausage stuffed into anything i put on. my ring feels tight. my shirt seems to be inadequate for constraining me.
i've also felt like there's a delicate balance in how i relate to everyone else in my life. I want to feel certain of my place in the lives of those around me. of my place in my own life. but instead i've just been aware of how easily we can sever a tie or how difficult it can be to maintain the niceties and maybe feeling distrustful.. or like social can be difficult where it didn't really used to be.
ugh, i just want to go home and put on the loosest flannelest clothes i have.

i was sad yesterday.. feeling changes around me. like the surface groudn of life is smooth for awhile and then it warps and bulges and ripples and when it settles back down the landscape has changed. like alice trying to play the life sized chess game but things keep changing on her
but that sounds more dramatic than it is, because in reality it'snot so dramatic it all. it's choices that sometimes mean diverging paths.. and sometimes forgetting that life is fluid and paths come together and separate and usually always come back together and sometimes are just concurrent or parallel and you can still reach across a divide and hold hands. but still, i chose a path and sometimes i watch friends on other paths and i want to say "hey, wait for me!" even though.. i'm where i want to be.
i just fight change sometimes. even when i instigate a change.
and i also made a faux pas yesterday. which i was pardoned for, but i still felt embarrassed. i mistyped to the wrong person some things not-my-business and maybe not-so-nice about somebody else. to a perso nwho likes that somebody else. this person had said some crappy things to me, but at least mostly to my face. and mostly untrue things, although some of the things probably bothered me so much because i wondered which had kernels of truth.
so i felt pretty small. but at the same time having to remind myself that .. sometimes we say unkind things or observatins to those close to us.. and it's ok.
but still, i felt embarrassed and dumb.
one of the reasons i've become much mroe distant with a good friend of mine is because the talking about ourselves and others was something i wanted to get away from.

anyway, last night was better. there was zacharys pizza. which is more like a giant PIE 4 inches thick or something. and a bath . and i'm really loving The Wind Up Bird Chronicles.. it's making me feel reflective.. it's an eerie book. the main character had no personality for awhile, and i foudn it hard to get into. and suddenly.. he's filling in his edges.
and he reminds us that if we try to rewrite ourselves, our former self won't be fully pushed aside and will rear its head at inopportune times. its best to incorporate rather than rewrite. and in bed i was reminded that while i am so much better than i used to be at certain things (money) , there are still loose ends that i have to tie up. and they stress me out as much as they ever did.

so today i just feel poorly contained in clothes, but better than yesterday. I had dreams that were very vivid and well remembered while i had my coffee or took my shower, but are now pretty much a vague outline of emotion but no story.

i'm hating waiting til next week to find out if i'm moving our venue or not. grr.

my landscape is rearranged, my skin wants out, sometimes people hurt my feelings and while all it takes iis one nice conversation to fix that. if nobody does that.. including myself, i hold a grudge and try to frame it in the best most reasonable terms, my fiance makes me feel infinitely better just by being so solidly there and himself, and my mother invited me to the lion king but i'm not going, i need a wedding dress! i need an organizational system, i love a clean house so my house is very pleasant right now, i REALLY REALLY NEED A GARDENER to show me how to save my garden as it turns into a jungle. where cannibal women eat you.


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