ramble. no, really

monk likes to come and sit next to me and have quality time. while he's having an allergy attack. so he sits next to me all sweet and nice. meanwhile he's snorting and clearing his throat and making the most disgusting sounds known to man
what is that? i'm mean and send him away.

today is his work picnic. .. so i may miss most if not all of the bluegrass fest today. (butwon't miss tomorrow)
that's ok, and hopefully i'll hook up with people for dinner afterwards.

my throat hurts and my body aches. i wish i could stay home.

last night i saw serenity. SO GOOD. then i slept like the dead. like a giant sleeping pill came out of the sky and just pressed me down into the bed for 11 hours. i would have said hand, but that sounds scarier.

this is what would be perfect, and what i haven't been able to figure out how to do so far:

my priorities..or how i'd like them to be:
more outdoor activity with monk. getting into the woods. hiking or swimming or just lounging in fields...
more good productive time at home
more quality one on one time with my closest tribe
and then continued quality time with the larger tribe.

right now i feel like we've been saying yes to most things we get invited to by the two groups....keeping our feeling of community alive. but the community doesn't really require more than a few times a month. closer friends do.
but i also reallly easily feel like i'm not getting enough time in my own home...so i need to make sure to make enough time for that
and i definitely feel like i dont' get enough doing healthy activities like hiking and running and yes going to the gym. but first and foremost i want to be outdoors.
on the list of priorities is still to find fun new weird things to do
but i've realized it's low on the list

and that the things i really want to make life a little more perfect ..and hwat i imagine in my head when i imagine my life the way i want it are those things i've listed.
i want to feel peaceful and calm and centered and healthy. i want to eat well, be outdoors, see my friends, and have good alone time at my house (alone time includes monk)

in the past week and a half i seem to have seriously cut back (if not out) my nightly glass of wine. i haven't had a glass of wine since last weekend.

my main goal in the past year and a half has been to feel like a more productive functional human being. my self esteem in this regard was taking a beating for awhile there. my social self esteem was grand. the rest? not so hot.
i stlil have issues. (like not feeling so in tune with my job when i should).. but i've made huge strides in eating healthier, drinking less, paying my bills..on my own. it's felt good.
but now things feel out of balance again. and i feel like i disappeared from some areas of my life i didn't want to. and took some people for granted..

last night i dreamed that two friends who don't talk, were friends again. and i dreamed that i was walking through a museum with these balls in my pocket..where if i threw them on the ground they'd cause a big explosion. i wanted to throw them for fun, but then i was in a room of ancient books and i knew that was a sacrilege.

i don't want to go anywhere today
i want a car
i want things to be normal
i want to be believed
i like the rainbows spinning on my walls
i love this cup of coffee (love love love)
i love that my friend suzy sent me 2 different ways to make tea. (i have to email her)
because i've been thinking i wanted to drink more tea
i love my bathtub (love love love)
i love my friends
i love the sun and the warmth and i wish i knew how to garden better, i'm afraid i'll kill all these plants. should i hire a gardener to come in and show me what to do?
i think i have loved feeling more like what my life felt like when i was 9. when life was home baked bread or home meals, and weeding with my mother in the garden, and hiking a lot, and yes i was lonely...but i have always wanted to return to that a little. i've always felt like something was missing. and i fought that feeling.

i'm so very rambling, if you're actually reading this than you mightg just be crazy and would you like to talk about it?

i miss vermont.

in past relationships, i rarely had many friends. i didn't worry about navigating the whole sea of different relationships. and i just returned to how i always have been in a relationship. insular. homebound.. hello heather things be different now. arr.

i like cowboy space movies.

i love joss whedon.

i shoudl get dressed. i really really don't want to though.

i've reread 3 books in the past two weeks, from my childhood. two of them took place in the south and i found myself saying a lot of things like "i plum forgot" and having strong strong cravings for fried chicken and buttermilk biscuits.
i think maybe To Kill a Mockingbird might be one of the most wonderful books ever written ever.

i'm stopping now.

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