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2005-09-28

energyless



so yesterday i stayed home and slept til 11:30, trying to kill whatever is off with me.
i still feel spacey and sleepy as hell and achey adn my stomach has been bothering me for days.

i just have no energy!

but yesterday afternoon i spent the day making a red curry with salmon & mushrooms & zucchini and a side of coconut milk/lemongrass green beans.
it was pretty good!
but the thing about cooking is that i just get really into it. it's one of the few places i feel really focussed and centered. it's meditative. like knitting.

and i often think, how much more pleasure i get out of doing nurturing. nurturing food, attempting to nurture plants (ha! i just don't know how to garden), the house, monk, me. and someday a kid.

i feel defensive of my desire to stay home for a few years when we have a kid. like i'm somehow letting down womankind and feminism. strangely guilty.

there are some little things like, being happy i wont' hav eto sit in front of a keyboard 9 hours a day. i'm sick of computers. and being tired of just being 'ok' at what i do every day. i feel a little demoralized sometimes.

but there are much bigger things.. having to do with who i am, how i am. and the kind of centered focus and attention i want to give to motherhood for those first few years.

but anyway. back to energy. i have none today.


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