anxiety

i have low level anxiety..
about work as usual.. it's fine most of the time, but there's always that awareness that I'm not fully up to par.. that if i have a mess up, it's taken a little more seriously than if somebody else does.. so when i do mess up, i beat myself up about it for a few days til somebody says something about it. so basically i get it double. and of course i know i could just..i don't know, buckle down. and be better. and it's a focus problem and also that awareness that it's a.. i don't kknow. a commitment. me? commitment issues? funny.
and i have low level anxiety about feeling uncreative and like i dont' know anything lately. unlearned. i'm not learning anything so i dont' have anything to share. so i find myself feeling awkward when in social situations because, i'm not so sure what to talk about sometimes.. because i just feel a little intellectually stunted lately. and my usual instincts are a little dulled too.
and i also have anxiety about being too self involved or selfish. because i sometimes feel a little dulled in the area of just knowing how to ask the right questions or keep a conversation flowing, i will comment with something about me. i know this is somewhat normal. i read somewhere that women show they understand by sharing a story of similarity. i know i do this a lot, but sometimes.. i just wish i could ask the right questions or nod and smile and listen instead of saying "oh yea! me too! let me tell you!" (and then i do)
i want to be careful to not make everything about me. i will right here fully admit to knowing i can sometimes be self involved. and further admit that i'm not a big fan of that trait in myself or others. i also like attention and am afraid of it simultaneously. and i'm sure this is why i often shy away from people who seem to crave attention. i'm sure part of that is not wanting to see traits in myself i dislike.
also, while we're on the anxiety-tirade. .. i'll say that i sometimes get so bent on making things fit into a box. into the image i have in my head of how i wanted a thing to be. whether it's a future, a conversation, an evening, whatever... and i will try to shove other people (monk usually is the main recipient) into that box and make them conform to that which i'm trying to achieve. but i think i'm (mostly) good at catching myself mid stream and getting the hell out of the water.
or something.
anyway. it all comes back to my usual drivel about balance. the work thing for example. i sometimes resent that i have to spend 40 hours of my week at a job. i know it's stupid, it's what we do. or i could do things differently, id on't have to live this life this way. i chose this. but i still sometimes resent it, so the commitment required feels like more of my time away from the cooking and the social and the boy and .. me. and perhaps after i've done some things i wish to do in teh next few years and then i become a therapist, maybe it will feel more me.
and school will help me to feel a little less .. well, stupid. i haven't flexed my brain in a long time. i read good books sometimes, but that's just not enough lately. and the more i dont' use it, the less energy for interest in things i have. i am not learning because i'm not trying to learn and i'm not trying to learn because i have little interest.
also, god damn do i need to excerise.

ok. evreybody needs to have an anxiety ridden whine every now and then. haha it's all about me! damn i love irony.
the end.

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