for spiderchild, from barney

there is a young person in my life. or vaguely in my life..as we only get to see each other every few years
and he's headed in a bad way.
and i want so badly to sit down and tell him the following. and the only reason i don't is .. .fear it's innapropriate? fear his mom will get mad? fear he'll blow up at me?
i want to say:

listen kid. you have a choice to make.
you've had a rough life, nobody is denying it.
some fucked up things have happened to you (and were i to sit down and have this talk with him. i wouldn't hold back the swear words, because i don't think he'd respect it , nor would i, if i did)
and i know it sounds self righteous to use myself as an example
but i h ave to tell you. something fucked up happened to me too when i was a kid. and i was angry like you. and a little bitter. and a little crazy feeling. and then... i reached a point where i realized something. i had to make a choice to be happy or not to be happy. and that might sound simple and simplistic. but that doesn't take away from teh truth of it.
i've known you since you were little, spiderchild. and i know you're capable of joy. but you have to choose it.
and by choosing it, i mean facing all the fucked up things htat have happened. and saying "well damn. that sucks. but..oh well. now i go forward". you let go of blame. and by that, i don't mean that people are blameless. yea, it might *be* some other people's faults that you got where you are now. but in the end, it doesn't matter. what matters is what you do with that.
and i'm not saying you just go "i'm gonna be happy now" and that's that. you're not gonna be able to do it alone. you'll need your family. you'll need a therapist. you'll need backup.
but the choice is still yours. you have to look deep down inside and say "what do i want" ... and not the first thing that comes to mind.. not the angry 'i want retribution' voice. or the 'i want you to fucking leave me alone' voice. i mean the one that imagines your future. the one that imagines what you see as happy relationships. with a girl someday. with your mom. with your brother. with the rest of us. the one that hopes you smile more someday and rage less. that hates it when you lash out, even while you feel like you can't help it.
you have to be deep down honest with yourself. brutally so, i think. before you can make that choice. you can see where other people have totally fucked you over, and see where you've taken that fuckover and magnified it by 100. see hwere you're culpable. see where other people are culpable, and then... shrug as best you can... because you can't do anything about it now. it's *done*. it sucks.
and it is your life. not theirs. the relationships you forge are *yours* and you have control over whether you rage through them or let yourself believe and trust. because you have had a lot of love in your life too. and even if you didn't, if you really were honest with yourself and opened your eyes. you'd see that life is harsh and unfair and beautiful and fabulous.
and don't try to find a joy conduit in somebody else. be your own conduit.
this might sound like a lot of happy dappy bullshit coming from somebody who hasn't been through what you've been through. but...i've been through my own shit. .. and you know what? anger is a poison. yes sometimes it can fuel positive change. but if you just hold on to it and let it rule how you interact with people and the world... it will poison you and ...
you do have a choice. you are a smart kid . and the thing is. no matter how much you might argue with me righ tnow. i know you know it too.
the choice is pretty stark right now. you're on the cusp. do you stay on the path you're on, and be miserable and angry and poisoned feeling.. or do you choose .. life. yourself. us.

love, barney.

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