i feel wistful

i had a bout of existential angst the other night. about old behaviors that i've been workign very hard to change (although i'm still not quite on target)... .a bout of shame, basically. for how it might have impacted the people around me. monk says that of course i'mm not perfect but i'm doing very good. and that's good to hear. but it still caused this feeling of panic, at how i knew certain behaviors were bad but persisted at them. laziness, fear, denial. etc. ..
i get frozen by the monumental heft of movement, sometimes. you know? like, to get the things that make you happy accomplished can sometimes feel like this giant weight and instead you kinda sit mired hwere you are because it's just... still and quiet in some way. even though it's chaos around. eye of the storm, i guess.
we're heading to the mountains tonight. i'm taking my very own java programmer with me to help me with my homework. rock.
i'm also making dinner for everyone both nights..salmon and rice and salad one night, and butternut squash, sausage, cream pasta the other.
there are some things in life that worry me, that persist to raise little heads in my consciousness.. and others that when they peek up i don't worry about at all.
i have new skis and boots. all fresh and shiny on the bunny trail.
i wish i didn't obsess about certain things so easily.. . i can be tenacious with it.
we're going on a year, folks.
there's free pizza in the kitchen but i ate a big burger with gorgonzola at lunch and i could'nt imagine taking even a bite.
sometimes the phrase "did you know? did you know? did you know?" goes through my head, and i don't know what it means. it's usually accompanied by a sense of wonder.
amy says i'll return to running. i'm still a runner. i think sh emight be right. i still feel the love of running inside. i just haven't felt lik ei've had time...
i've had dreams about vampires and guns and running and hiding and foibled plots and doing the right thing... all week. our bed is more like a boat than any bed i've ever had. big and massive and we float around inside... straight down the river til morning.
i feel wistful.

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