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2004-07-02

the week

last night i finally had a good run. I haven't been enjoying running lately. in fact, i've mostly dreaded it. for awhile now actually...

and it's not like i'm good at it even when it's a good run. .. i still take walk breaks, i'm slow, my form isn't great. but in those moments when a good run takes over...and my heart is pumping and my blood is surging and i am breathing through a stitch and i am sweating and my muscles are straining and suddenly i am not just that (cauli)flower at the top of the stalk of my body that thinks too much. my cells are swirling again and i am the blood and the brain and the toes and the muscles and everything in me starts moving again

because for awhile, everything got a little murky.. the blood didn't seem to surge and my cells were not swirling but at a standstill...coagulation...dark and murky and tepid. and the flowering part of me cradled by skull takes over and all the self doubting or sad or insecure or dark bits of me float up from the bottom of the pool and settle near the top. and these thoughts aren't any more real than the optomistic, from the positive. it's just when everything is swirling there is some balance, but when it goes still.. i am aware of the cold shadowy parts that you feel when you pinch closed your nose and sink.

am i killing this water analogy yet?

language has always been a powerful medium for me... i can read while i feel clear and beautiful use of language will pierce me a little with its beauty or poignancy and i will feel joy. and when i am still and dark, it can well up on my insides with so much sadness and hurt. just the use of language by somebody else. i've been feeling this sadness this week.. and the stillness.

and i've been second guessing myself and thinking about how real that is . just as real as positive clarity.

people often never know themselves. they don't want to or they can't. they have to blunder and head-down run forward towards contentment and happy... sometimse lying to themselves in the process. i think i believe i got caught in the crossfire of somebody else doing that. but i did it in my own way too. and now i'm ultra conscious and i push it sometimes. maybe too much. sometimes it's ok to just *be*. i believe that even people's clarity is murky and i worry. trust issues, maybe.

so i have weird nightmares. and i squeeze books in my hands and feel the words run out over the edges as i'm struck by a turn of phrase. and i feel a little exhausted and nervous and scared.

and then... i push myself on a run and i feel my lungs on fire and my legs straining a bit and suddenly i am smiling just a little bit, and the blood surges and the cells swirl and percolate. churn. and there is the beginning of clarity again. i am my entire body. and it isn't so murky and it doesn't mean those thoughts or fears aren't there anymore. it just means they are in motion again... and then i put something clean inside me. fuel. and later i am not so focused on making everything right and instead i just unconsciously enjoy the taste of breath and the salt of skin and the push of selves.

and i feel a little more like myself again.

and i still have some of the nightmares but i am sleeping sound. and i wake up with a deep breath that feels just a little bit like relief.

and who knows which detail made the difference or if really it was just time allowing me to right myself. besides, the process will all begin again . sideswiping me. us. .. i've never fully escaped sinking. and i often feel guilty. i chalk it up to hormones or chemical this or that. but... sometimes i discover things in the murk. so maybe it's ok.


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