the benevolent breath of aslan

so i was thinking this morning. on the bus. because i think a lot when i'm on the bus. I often wish i had my laptop on the bus, but see...i think if i had my laptop on the bus i would no longer think so well on the bus. I think the good thinking is a side effect of the alone-in-my-head time that i have.

side note: i watched Honey last night. two things. 1. jessica alba is hot. 2. hip hop dancing. no, 3 things. 3. dance movies are fun no matter how bad they are.

so back to the thinking thing. i was doing some.

and i was thinking about aslan.

even when i was little I pretty much knew i didn't want much to do with God. in any of his forms. unforgiving or forgiving. .. maybe it was that prayer about dying before i wake. maybe it was how boring my grandmothers church was. maybe it was that pennywiggles was still in the ground after he died. maybe itw as just an inherent faith in no god rather than god that i started with early. i'm not sure

but.. .despite this lack of desire for a god to be real, and a lack of belief. ..

i wanted an aslan in my life with an emotional desire so strong i could feel it in my belly. and i kid you not, i would try to push through my closet to find narnia and i could cry that that couldn't be real. i wanted something like narnia . something magic. to be real so bad that it hurt when it wasn't.

so... aslan. i longed for aslan. and for a kid with confused feelings regarding fathers and their role in my life. and a lack of them and/or questionable fathering quality of the ones i had. i mean, good people. not good fathers.

anyway. i reread the narnia books so many times and it was a combination of the awesome adventures and the love of aslan that piqued my imagination.

aslan was always there, he was forgiving and loving and parental and strong and fearsome.

and i think i focused on the benovelent breath of aslan. i wanted someone who would breath on my forehead and make me feel suddenly like everything was ok. the image of burrowing into aslan fur and feeling the aslan-strength seep into my bones so that while i normally felt weak or unsure of myself or awkward... he could help me find my strength. to be not afraid...of me, of others...of life..

and for a long time , in my adult life...i think i looked for a half of what i think aslan represents. somebody who let me burrow into them and sap some of their strength while iwas afraid of people or life. . who knew all my faults and forgave them and accepted me...

but i think i forgot another aspect to aslan... he also expected great things from those kids. he expected them to take th high road or to do the right thing. .. and he could be disappointed, while still loving them, etc.

i am going somewhere with this, but i'm not sure i can find the right words for it...

i think it's knowing that it's nice to be known for all sides of oneself. good and bad. and still be loved and accepted

but maybe it's good to have people expect more of you too. and to know that you can let down aslan. and not be afraid of letting aslan (or whoever) down, because... you have to keep trying to be better and meet your own expectations and that if you have expectations for yourself it's ok for somebody else to want those things for/from you as well..

for so long, i think i wanted an aslan who didn't requre me to be more than i was or anything but what iw as.

aslan is not just me, or god (whom i still don't believe in), or you, or my mother, or my boyfriend. and he's all of those too.

i dont know if i'm making any sense whatsoever.

but i still want the benevolent breath of aslan on my forehead sometimes.

that says "you're ok. and you're trying. and your'e gonna fuck up. and you're oh so very much going to succeed, dont' you worry. and here, have some some of my belief in you... you can feel it in my breath'

um.

yea. so that's what iw as thinking about on the bus but it was a lot more beautifully put and concise and clear when it was swimming around the ol grey matter.

hey, by the way, i *totally* look like a trucker today. and it's kinda hot.

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