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2004-03-24

trying to contain people

i have this trait that crotchety calls "monitoring"

like i'm afraid of excess emotion being expressed, or excess intensity, or goofiness, or seriousness too.

and sometimes i find myself putting my hand on crotchety's arm and he tells me i'm monitoring him again. because my hand on his arm is a warning that he's getting too intense. that he'll scare people. i worry about him socially or something. for him as much as them.

like i can't give people credit to be able to handle or not handle him and deal with that themselves. or anybody else i find myself monitoring. one could call it being a 'smoother' too.

sometimes i put my hand on pussy's arm when she's getting a little awkward and thus goofy and "too much" seeming. . . and i want to bring her back to herself.

i used to be goofy (well, i still am). but in a big way. big as in it took a lot of space in a room. socially awkward and too much of everything. everything i felt all over my face and loudly expressed. .. whatever. anyway. i began to notice reactions i guess. primarily my mother's? and those reactions made me very self conscious.

i want to bring myself to that calm subdued place that maybe i learned from my mother. i think i see it as more genuine than that awkward exuberant stuff i would exhibit before. but i don't know if that's true. there's a 13 year old me that i let go somewhere. she's started emerging a little more though.

but anyway. this is just me realizing that i have this habit of trying to contain people. and i think that might be a fault.

i was very irritable for the first half of today

then i had lunch alone in the sun, dropped some important paperwork off and walked back in the sun.

and i realized that ...seeing a weird little family of three rollerblading down the street wearin gmatching pink and looking totally dorky

made me infinitely happy

absurd makes me happy. so why try to contain anything.


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