warm liquid days

it's liquid melty warm in my office. i'm barefoot and wearing a camisole top. it's like july in march. i love it

i want to take a laptop out to the playground and do my work outside.

i had an appt with my personal trainer on saturday and was set up with some weight training. next week i'll be set up with a bunch of exercises on the physio ball

saturday night we had a movie night .. and sunday i walked around in the beautiful warm sun with ms. la quigg and found the perfect earrings and perfect jacket

went running in the sun and overheated some but it was good. my legs are so damn achey now though. weights and running. argh. i had to take an aleve today

i don't deal well with being frozen out. it makes me pander to try to make things better. offer niceties, say nice things, i feel myself trying too hard to make somebody smile at me. to make it all ok again.

i realized that i was feeling 10 years old and incompetent again. my mother is good now but she used to have major anger issues and i would never know exacatly what i'd done wrong, she'd just become cold and angry and stare kind of blankly at me and i'd go through hoops trying to make her smile again. to like me again. i felt so damn small. unimportant and ineffectual. so on eggshells and stomachachey all the time.

i don't want to feel small like that ever again. but i think my way of dealing with it now is to just avoid the situation.

it's sooo warmmmmmmmmmm

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