thoughts from the other night.

ok. so, the other night i was taking the bus home. I was reading a book. not a great book, not the most beautifully written at least. but a book that i really enjoy anyhow. and the main character was in a stuck place of rage, loss and hurt. She was furious with the world and spitting hissing lashing out showing it.

i was crying while i read it. it had to do with her fear of her own potential, her sense of loss or unfilfilled desires where relationships with men were concerned: her ex boyfriend and her father. and being smart enough to know she was really her only block to living the life she wanted to live.

i started thinking about self-imposed limitations. and emotional scar tissues. loss and gain. and balance.

I wasnt aware i had abandonment issues most of my life. I spoke with pride about how well i'd dealt with having fathers who let me down. About not missing what i hadn't had with one, and about knowing instinctively that the actions acted on me by the other had not been my fault. that i hadn't done anything to deserve it. and that a good man could do fucked up awful things. that evil isn't always real, sometimes it's just a broken person passing on their brokenness because somehow they can't stop themselves. I knew that the world wasn't black and white, and here i was to prove that if people are aware and can be observant, they can be hurt and still turn out without a sense of 'victimhood' or 'survivor-syndrome'. can break in spots and still be beautiful and experience beauty. not ruled by anger. (perhaps not being ruled by anger then leads one to live in a fantasy world of hope instead?)

and when chris left, i said this was the first time i had fallen apart because this was different. because i had *chosen* this person and they'd chosen me. i didn't choose my fathers. and then the person i finally chose. left.

i'd managed to not get very hurt by any relationship previous, so nothing about my insides had really had to come to light yet.

and i'm not taking back what i say about how i've dealt. i'm *still* proud. i still believe i have a good handle on who i am and who the men in my life had been. but i also think that maybe the 'not feeling much' one way or another that i was experiencing had been a form of emotional scar tissue. fine and bumpy, built up over my nerves.... the nerves were a bit deadened and i was good at shrugging and smiling and going on with my leaping and jumping into life. so what that one father didn't want to know me. so what that the other forgot i was a child. my core was untouched. but my last relationship was like infusing my scar tissues with new nerves and blood and suddenly i was there..pink, shivering and god damn it hurting. wondering, can't i have an unfucked relationship with a man , romantic or paternal?

and still unable to acknowledge that maybe it was opening up things that had been there all along. there was one night in the car, after he left. i was in his lap and he was holding me while i cried and snotted my way through my first revelation about this. but i quickly forgot that and went back to focusing on where id' gone wrong with *this* relationship.

so, i could have gone through life with those scars still dulling my nerves. not fully examining myself

and believe me, i've come to a place where too much navel gazing really bores the hell out of me...but i believe in knowing myself. knowing that yea, my natural dad and my second father *did* have an effect on the way i then dealt with relationships. and with my fears and childishness within them. and recently i've started noticing a difference between me and women who have had fathers. not in a judging myself way. just...noticing something more whole about them. not that i think there is such a thing as 'whole'

i think it's good that i realized ... i'm terrified. terrified of being left. and terrified of leaving. of loss *and* gaining. and i can know this and decide not to care. or care, but not let it impact a willingness to try things.

i think balance isn't about being healthy and having necessarily the best grip on everything. ti's about knowing our own scars and still being able to be happy and unhappy and be ok with both. to live forward and look backwards too.

i always figured to be a well balanced person, one had to have no baggage. but i think maybe people who eschew baggage are unbalanced themselves.

i can be terrified and shrug and act anyway. i am going to lose again. i might leave somebody , i might be left. i might not find what i *thought* i wanted and instead find something completely new.

i have to give up some god damn control

and take control too.

this spills over into my life. actions i'm already taking to better my life some. be more conscious and present and all that stupid hullaballoo. not that there aren't a lot of things that can still bite me on the butt. a few tax years i forgot about. school loans that i've deferred til the last minute and am finally dealing with. finding balance between craziness and adventures, and peace and quiet.

i've always been who i am and i have friends who have known me for years and years and years and this proves a continuity in 'who i am'

but, sometimes i feel like i'm just finally. now. coming into my own, despite feeling like i've been self aware for years.

see, becuase my internet was dead at home for two nights. this is only an approximation of what i was thinking. if i could only read my own handwriting, i could have written it down at the time and then transcribed it later but oh well !

maybe it's exactly what i wanted to say, but wthout that epiphanic scalp-electric feeling i had at the time, as i ran under the street lights and looked up at orions belt with boogie peeing on every other tree stump.

but i'm raw and fresh and newborn pink in areas that i used to be safe. and i think that's just fucking great. and no, that's not sarcasm

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