the fear of screaming

am i alone, as a woman in the following fear?

my first fear in the idea of an attack is of course the attack itself. rape,violation,violence.

but my second fear is this deep rooted certainty that i will be unable to scream. unable to make a peep. that something in both fear and some well-learned lesson to never let loose my vocal chords anyway ..will stop me from being able to open my mouth and let out a life saving gutteral or high pitched scream.

i'm afraid that in the face of the worst, i will be silent.

i fear this inability to scream in more situations than that. violence against another, an accident, things gone horribly wrong.

i know i can keen. i've found myself doing that before.

but am i able to shout rage or fear?

or furthermore. even happiness?

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