all that and a basket of corndogs

i have a burning jealousy sometimes. and a burning desire.

and a mild disappointment in my self.

jealousy when i hear amazing music from somebody elses hands or lips. food that is obviously created by genius. words put together so amazingly thatyou hate them for coming up with that particular sentence before you did...exceptyou never would have. photography that..in one image...makes your breath choke on itself in an overwhelming combination of sad/joy.

talent.

and being good with social. with people. with warmth. that's a talent, but it's not even always there and it's not creating. and i wonder if i see babys on the bus and feel the urge to spead my hand across the small frail birdlike back because i want to create so bad i see it in small toes.

it's the one thing. already my financial issues are being worked on (deja vu. feeling like i should erase that, because it could all crash on me tomorrow). but .. there are these other things.

keeping my life a littel neater and organized around me. (did i see a mouse!?) . and ... the jealous stunted feeling that ... i don't know how to create.

but sometimes i don't know if it's that i want to create, or just know that 'feeling'.

and of course under that is the knowledge. the nagging knowing that...talent is work, that it isn't really natural even if it comes naturally... it requires dedication and work and ... maybe that's my problem and not a lack of a talent

oh and i saw Lost in Translation last night and it made me feel hopeful and sad simultaneously. i liked it.....also, i've decided that Johnny Depp should not be the next Willie Wonka. it should be Christopher Walken. can you imagine? how much would THAT rock.

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