whatever it is that's missing

I don't believe , mostly, in dream interpretation. maybe becuase my dreams have too complex a story line and attached emotions to feel like a little symbolism is supposed to go a long way.

i know the recurring tidal wave dreams have to mean something about control. i do believe that.

and maybe constantly dreaming about horses and motorcycles means something about freedom.

but, the lingering emotion of dreams...i don't know how to interpret that.

the lingering sadness from finding and losing. and searching and gasping.

so today i feel this permeating sense of sad..and i don't remember well enough what the reason could be. i think we're always looking for a sense of...relief. that's always been the only word i could come up with for it. and when i wake up from a feeling where it's just heavy with relief, i think i feel a loss upon opening my eyes.

i've become much better at just being. sometimes i wonder if i 'feel' less. but i know i still feel excitement and pleasure.... but, there's always that edge of the fine line. between companionship and friendships and alone and search.

i still want with the force of a monster truck pull, i just have it shoved down into a corner, behind a bone, underneath a vein, hidden.

and i dont' know what it is i want half the time anyway. it's just this amorphous sensation.

i don't know what i'm trying to say. my wants and desires and needs and hopes feel slightly vague and hidden lately.

i just know they're there.

i almost feel like i've stopped trying to fulfill them with any sort of force. but i dont' feel like i've given up on anything ...

i feel. i feel i feel.

i i i. me meme.

i just feel sad. and missing whatever it is that's missing.

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