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2003-08-24

a weekend

hey lolly lolly

hey lolly lolly low

I have a pumpkin belly. if i just carved a jackolantern into it, i'd be a walking halloween fiesta.

and then, driving back into my city. which was strangely languidly sultry...with a pumpkin colored sunset.

and with my pumpkin belly and halloween sunset, i thought about my childhood in vermont. The Grange was a strange little one room building where the non-town of Duxbury held all events. I learned how to square dance (do-si-do?), sang Good King Wenceslas at a christmas pageant. and went to annual halloween parties...dressed as a robot one year, with a foil covered box around my torso and an upside down funnel on my head, i was a short slightly bucktoothed tin man. I didn't win the costume contest, but I was transfixed by the room behind the curtain. with the eyeballs in a bowl and the container of spaghetti brains.

and when i was in my 20's. the song Jackie Wilson Said by Van Morrison. i heard the lyrics "i'm in heaven" (when you smile" as "pumpkin heady one" . yes. really. like envisioning a person with a giant pumpkin head. and i would sing these lyrcs at the top of my lungs in the car. Chris was like "uh, what are you singing???" i said "i'm singing the lyrics what are you singing??" he laughed for awhile. i still sing my own lyrics. fuck reality

autumn is my time. with the smell of firewood and burning leaves and crisp apple taste of night time

and as we arrived into the city and the sky changed to that perfect dusky gray blue that happens right after the sun sets but before all the stars poke their holes... i thought about how i always seem to be looking to the horizon. the next beautiful place to live, the perfect person, house, self, job, hawaii, vermont. .. i thought how stupid that can be. california is so amazing... within an hour in any direction the topography can completely change. the weather. everything.

and so a weekend of mars and trees and water and more stars than you can shake a salt shaker at and so much food and drinks and new people and slightly shyer than normal but not uncomfortable.
i think i'm coming near the end of this diary ...again....ok, not the end. just a period of transition while i figure out how to write again. how to be honest again. while staying private.

then again maybe not. just thinking out loud.

there was a 5 minute conversation with somebody that got me thinking for a lot longer than 5 minutes. mostly on the ride home. before the pumpkin thoughts

I like the idea of loving sombody who is different from me. of doing my own thing and they do their own thing, and you come together to be who you are when you're together. I dont' know if that's a reality though. for me. or other people. but i know that i daydream about it a lot. now that i'm not the needy person i used to be (not to say i'm not needy. just not like i was) . i can't figure out what makes people work. i see people together who make sense. and people who make no sense. and both couplse making it work. or both kinds of couples incapable of making it work. i don't think I'll ever get it. and i guess i'm ok with that.

right now i have a boogie chin on my belly and i will be giving him love now.


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