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2003-08-19

what's going on in my head.

i seem to be having a period every 2 weeks. wracked with cramps and bleeding and grouchiness.

as i creep closer to 33. mere weeks away. i am just thinking "blessed menopause. closer and closer." and that's pretty fucked up.

last night I went to the Red Devil Lounge, where my friend j had his special stuffed animals on display. and i'm getting one for my birthday! i can't wait to see what kind of fucked up little monster he makes for me.

i have become a dabbler. a toe dipper. in other people's waters. I don't think anyone feels super passionately about me, and i dont' think i feel super passionate about anyone. i feel ..curious. i kind of miss the younger me who was a leaper. but, not too much. i think there's some fear in there. of being careless. i was very careless. with other people as well as myself. now i'm so careful to not be careless, i'm a little less than myself maybe. i don't know, i'm trying not to overthink it. and maybe that's the trick. when i overthought things, i talked myself into or out of things.

you know what i find a little like a special locked in a drawer joy? when somebody is paying attention to something else, but unconsciously you are touched. a brush of the finger. a leaning of the body. just a 'are you still there?" sort of gesture. those make me a little weak.

i'm going away for the weekend. to the mountains. with about 20 people. i'm not sure 20 people in the mountains can be called 'relaxing'

i think i have some strange morality-bug that doesn't belong to me. my mothers maybe? some idea that dating more than one person is wrong. which is totally silly. until i click into place somewhere, i will do what i do and be as honest as possible

crazy thing about this being public. as i branch out and finally let myself go, i have more than myself to be private for. i want people to know what i'm thinking or feeling from me first, not a diary that a bunch of people read. but i also just don't want to drag other people into my public sphere of self-absorption.

i'm also just really not wanting to call attention to myself anymore.

but i gotta say. i've put off mentioning them. but i really fucking love my nipple piercings. they like'm the touching.

i feel , sometimes, like i'm floating outside everything i do. i was walking up polk street, and the sidewalk seemed far away and the buildings felt far away and i just felt like my world consisted of only the space inside my head. and i just wnated to get down on the ground and feel that it was real and that i'm not solipsistic.


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