a silly child.

when i was little, i think i thought living life hard meant forcing myself to feel hard.

i would sit for hours in one place. not moving. not blinking, or not much.

i would imagine losing my mother.

i would imagine having a father.

i would imagine . imagine. imagine.. and cry real tears. or cradle my hands around real stomach pain of worry.

forcing reality ...but it wasn't reality.

and now that i've experienced justa smidgen of grief.and seen other people experience it in a way that makes me feel like a cad.

I don't know what i was doing.

i sat in my room with its unicorns and rainbows and the sea otter stickers. and tried to imagine what life tasted like when it was bitter.

i was a silly child.

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