honesty and shivering skin

there are a lot of things i'm confused about, in myself. things in flux. ideas about self and relationships and what i want that are always topsy turvy.

but...sometimes, there are people..who remind you who you are.

matt is one of those people. he's singing and i'm somehow hearing who i was at 16. and 19. and 24. and 32. the constant self.

no matter which parts of me change and mutate and circulate. that constant self is captured in a few friendships. even if I don't get to spend any time with those people.

i've become very self conscious about public writing. i want to keep up the divulging and working things through here, but...when i started, all of my emotions were shivering around on top of my skin and this place was the best place to get rid of them. to dump them.

now , that stuff that shimmered around me like heat waves...is mostly washed away..but i have things still, no where near as electric or sharp or kickinthegut. but, held closer and held inside like a little kernel. i'm not sure if that's good. if i'm trying to sound like a different person than i am...or if it just feels redundant after all this time.

i'm going to just return to being vague but a lot more honest, i think.

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