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2003-06-24

day 6

today is a wet day. we went to the Blue Pool...at the end of a dirt road, across a river at the edge of the ocean..over some rocks. suddenly, right on the edge of the ocean (again)...a fresh water pool at the bottom of a waterfall. waves behind. waterfall above. impatience flowers growing all over.

i swam in the rain.

tuna fish sandwiches and papaya for lunch.

now back at home, inside out of the rain.

the first few days here, i think...i don't need people as much as i think i do. i don't need urban life. i want this life.

after 6 days...i still do, but i begin to miss people and events and ...i think there's a cushion before lonely sets in. and after it sets in there's a period before it becomes necessary and coveted.

this life is remarkably close to my childhood, except for the rainforest. all the roads and houses remind me of the roads i lived on in vermont. the green and the wet and the dirt.

there's a familiar feeling to being here.

as long as i get out of the house on good hikes and swims, i don't think i'd get too stir crazy here.

it's companionable. my mother and i sit on beaches or on rocks at the edge of pools and read together.

today we talked about being ready for relationships. how i used to equate 'i'm not ready' with either someone being rejected or else that the person speaking didn't actually like relationships. i've come to realize that may not be the case. somebody may even like the idea of one, and emotionally think it would be nice. but..with a shrug..just realize there are too many loose ends that would swallow such a thing up.

i think sometimes people look back on past relationships with nostalgia merely out of familiarity. they long for somebody that is already comfort. to not have to tell their stories one more time. the older we get, the more rote they sometimes come to feel..those anecdotes and stories that make up our past experiences. .we share them with each new person that comes into our lives and it's almost like they start to become a hard sell. check out what has made me me so far. they start to sound fake since we've heard these words come out of our own mouths for years and years at this point.

i'm going to start making up stories. i'll create 3 or 4 different alternate past realities for myself. then spring the real one on people at the last minute.

hm. i'm thinking again. i guess that means i'm feeling my non-hana life beginning to press in on the edges of life here. a small flutter of panic as i realize i only have a few more days to relax. kind of at cross purposes with the whole concept by that point.

hah. who am i kidding. i'm practically prone. with a laptop on my lap, a sarong dress, and a cup of iced coffee. those edges may be pressing, but this relaxation has a pretty big periphery.

tonight we're going to grill ahi tuna and vegetables and drink some wine.

i'm reading My Year of Meat...and it makes me want to have a pillow book, but i think what i'll do is get a little mini recorder and record my pillow book. i always wake up from my narcotic dreams and want to write them down but i'm too embroiled in the sinkhole that is my bed to turn on a light and find a pen.

i want to read Sei Shonagon's Pillow Book c. 1000 AD

nap time


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