punching.

i don't want these dreams anymore.

it's been long enough. like, going on 4 years you know. i don't want em. i don't need em.

neither the first ones that have me looking for answers against a wall that won't answer. and panicking and feeling like i have no control over anything and punching in the face of indifference.

or the ones that come later that pretend to be good dreams but are just a mire to hold my feet. about 'love of life' and soul mate. and that puzzlepiece sexual fitting, skin and mouths and connecting and talking and laughing, that might even just be a false memory.

all the times i said "this is a dream. fuck this. i'm waking up." and would wake up into the same god damn dream. i had layers upon layers upon layers of dreams. where was the frosting?

why does my subconscious still have this stuff. does it maybe actually mean something else but has a familiar face?

i'm tired of the day after topsy turvy.

i'm not lonely. i'm not the girl i was in my 20's anymore. my life is in transition. i don't want to be with anyone til i've moved past that 20'ssomething girl and feel comfortable with the 30something grown up (well, never fully grown up) that i'm trying to become.

and i don't want to want backwards anymore. or dream backwards. or feel that slow burn and abandonment and loss when i think of where fuzzy has gone and where he is now.

why can't i figure out why some of htat still lingers for so long?

i mean, it's only a small percentage now. but self aware people should be able to work themselves through things. I AM NOT A CLINGER.

not to be confused with a klinger.

ahh baggage. we sleep well together.

last night my bed was empty other than myself and i went downstairs to find my dog curled on the couch. i can't sleep without that damn dog on my legs. it reminded me of the time V got up to escape spider bites and i, with rumpled hair, went in search of him in the middle of the night. bereft of warmth on his side of the bed. he braved the spider and came back.

i totally feel like punching people today. i kind of feel like not hanging out with anyone this weekend.

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