current entry

older entries
message board e-mail me
before this one began. boogie.diaryland.com my website
our host.

� click here for flickr!

2003-04-12

cd's

when i was little, my mother wasn't a super touchy feely person. with me at least. I think i made her nervous. She was amazing and always had something fun planned for me/us. but...nurturey touchy feely, not so much.

kind of funny because i'm sort of the opposite now.

I wonder if a child would make me nervous though. I mean, all that need and all the responsibility i'd have for shaping the person they become. their psyche dependent on many of the choices i'd make.

i remember ..sometimes affection would come in weird spurts from my mom. She'd grab me and kiss me all over my face and hug me. and I would hold my breath and go still, like you do if a wild animal suddenly isn't running away from you. it was akin to fear combined with happiness and instead of relaxing into it and hugging her back. I would have this sharp pain in my chest and that breath-holding feeling...like if i expressed how much i liked it or that i was very happy...it would go away. I think even then I was aware that people are scared at too m uch emotion at once.

so even now, when something makes me happy..I get that breath-holding feeling and my head feels light and I don't know quite what to do with myself. express it or hide it or hold it in or gush it out ...

i'm a hell of a lot of heather. why would i be afraid to inflict that on somebody?

only sometimes. yea...just sometimes.

i think it stopped raining.

i made a cd that i am calling "wistful maladies"

and it's making me happysad.


[ previous� �|� � next ]

� i read these 
people

�

�


� �
x