death.

idon't understand.

and weird responses.

overly detached. feeling nothing. which turns to feeling normal sadness and loss. which switches to selfish self involved. feeling like it's just too close to home and why why why are there so many people i know who try or succeed and think this is the only answer.

and the sudden horror of knowing how many i've come within inches of losing. and seeing that gaping maw there. of loss.

despite all the physical manifestations i've sometimes wanted for the things i have inside.

i have never been here/there.

and i don't think i ever will.

but it still surrounds me. in more people i care about than i sometimes think i can handle.

and i know that's selfish.

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