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2002-06-18

emotional puke

i dreamed him last night again. i was pulling back the covers and crawling into a bed. there was a bruise on my leg. there was relief in the sinking.

that's where my disinterest in sex comes from. until i'm detached from there, i'm a kissing fool but my poosay is detached from my brain.

sometimes i think i drink to feel more interesting. sometimes i think i drink to make other people more interesting. sometimes i think i drink to be uninhibited. sometimes i drink because it's fun.

it's being aware of the reasons going in that may change the avenue an evening takes. i don't know.

i'm really bad at lying. i used to be a great liar. but sometimes i wonder if puking myself out, verbally, onto somebodys lap ...isn't a lie of a different kind.

a manipulation of sorts. although not conscious or malicious.


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