really

the written word pulls me and defeats me all at the same time.

i'm feeling more self-contained with every day.

i thought about the past few years and see all the right moves i made, despite the issues i still have. leaving my old job and taking a chance on a new one that could have only lasted 6 months. moving away from the east bay. trips i decided to take.

there's a certain detachment and ambivelance that comes with self-containment, but there's a stillness and a peace i don't think i've ever felt too.

last night one of the girl posse had her first 'show' for the girl band she's joined. with her blonde bob, tipped with black. her crayon-colored-outside-the-lines-heart-tattoo. playing on the drums, her lip firmly held in her teeth with concentration.

wednesday asked me about boys in my life. i told her what was and what wasn't and what is and hwat isn't.

she remembered the 'before' and the 'after' . the me talking about him and eyes lighting up. how often i talked about him. followed by my disappearance for a week. and when i returned, my being skinnier in just a week. and the breakdowns at my desk. the brokenness and crying and dimness. the not eating. the time i broke down at my desk and she didn't know what to do to make it better so she turned her monitor towards me so i could see marge simpson giving homer simpson a blow job.

and i remembered how the girls got me through.

and i didn't feel the pang of memory for the breakdowns, but instead i laughed at all the antics the girls took part in to make me laugh when i would cry.

i don't know what i would have done or where i would have been without them, really....

[ previous� �|� � next ]

�

�