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2002-05-01

some explanation.

it all comes down to the "that's bullshit" and "do you really think that?" and "yes yes, what's your point" and "don't you think maybe you're putting a better light on your own role in this?" and the honesty and the straight talk. and the relief of that.

and yet knowing i'm lying about something to someone.

i don't lie well. and it leaves me feeling small.

and maybe we shouldn't be too self aware. maybe we *should* put a positive spin on our own faults so we find it easier to live with ourselves. i don't know.

i know i do it except during this time of the month, when all that gloss strips away and it's much starker.

everything is feeling light right now and i think i want some weight.

even though the lightness is something i've purposefully cultivated.

and there's been a manic edge to my not wanting to be alone in my house.

i need to face the school loans, the dog, the cleaning, the bills, the functioning. head on.

i'm tumbling. on low. spin cycle over.


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