stupid mcstupidest

i keep sneezing. there is excess snot in me. can not. will not. be sick.

preventative measures!

that feeling i had yesterday has abated. trickled out in my sleep and a little close and personal time with my bzzing friend. (naming a vibrator is just going too far, and i name everything) (named things: my motorcycle was named Gabriel. he's dead now. my conga's name is Arthur. my computer was Pippin, my dog is boogie, i am heather, and the white bear is Coconut) (dorky? hell yes)

anway. that lust thing. the reason i dont' experience that that i described often is that i think it comes with strong emotion attached and... i've felt very warm and fuzzy to quite a few people but felt intensely about quite a bit less. (bad english)

although in high school i cultivated the perfect romance novel feelings for somebody, but by the time i was 18 i'd realized how fabricated that was. He and i shared first chair for trumpet all through high school. he had black/brown eyes and we were competitive and fought all the time. he taught me how to punch and we'd take turns punching each other in the arm and i sported these bruises i was very proud of. and i hated him and all i wanted to do was have him throw me against a wall and make out with me. and he had all this potential to be so smart, but he didn't cultivate it and so when he wasnt' around i'd make up jokes about him ... he could be so stupid. but...we were competitive and would fight passionately all the time, and i thought that meant ..love..or lust. we got together finally for a few months and it died out quickly. there was no base to work from, just my conviction that we'd ignite if we came togehter. but since i wasn't sexually active yet....the ignition was delayed. he became the boy id' go to between boyfriends. we'd hump. it was never as fire-tastic as i expected.

whereas, when i came together with somebody i felt potential with. i didn't necessarily have to be in love with them yet, but...some connection that felt real..my eyes would roll back in my head and my teeth would want to bite into the meat of it...at first kiss. at all kiss. (eyes rolling back in head! scary! i'm a zombie lovah)

this is so good that i'm feeling these FRUSTRATING FUCKIGN FEELINGS...because. well, i *didn't* for two years.

the funny thing is? i talk as though i hadn't kissed anyone in two years, but that's not true. there were at least 4 or 5, but.. they didn't count. because i wasn't *there*. some part of me wasn't involved.

i'm getting sick. i'm sure of it.

oh

idiscovered a super tasty snack. on a cracker you put a dab of mayo, a thinly thinly sliced piece of lemon (with rind) and a smoked oyster.

OH . MY. GOD.

i'm addicted.

my head feels stupid. don't try to begin any intelligent discourse. i'm already kind of dumb, but right now? stupid mcstupidest!

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