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2002-02-24

dance

woke up this morning, not sure what reality i'm living in. who i like. who i want. wanting to go back to sleep because it was one of those rare dreams where i felt like/wanted to drown in skin. where waking up felt a little cold. water on face. bad bad reality.

friday night. pub crawl. because i'm 20. underwear matched my hat. there will be pictures. ran randomly into one of my favorite people on the street. danced til 5:30. my friend says i'm the best kisser she's ever kissed. electric. and....suddenly my ego says "yo, you're being wasted right now!". i have sex on the brain lately, i think.

ugh. hate this state. (and like it a lot. simultaneously)

i think i need to just have some sort of fling. without needing 'potential' .

my counselor recently, when i was talking about things i need to make sure i do, was helping me list things. like cleaning up. or going to yoga. and she said "and spend time reading" and i scoffed. it's something i never worry about. i *am* a reader. i dont' read. i *am* a reader. i have never ever worried about not reading enough. even if i go a year and barely read. i always return to it. i taught myself to read hwen i was 3, and it was my most constant obsession. of course it was my own version of escapism as a child.

i have a lot of issues with escapism. my super ego tells me that it is all bad. supposedly my superego is too harsh. if my room is a mess, it tells me i don't have my shit together enough to even think about a relationship or going out and having fun. it tells me drinking is escapism. that trying drugs out of curiousity is bad. that non-intimate sexual things are bad. that anything that isn't fully living in the skin in the head in reality... is bad. i'm not sure where this idea comes from. it tells me that any form of fantasy is a form of hiding from reality and thus makes me less than.

my superego likes to tell me. i'm bad. i should give it a paddle and let it have at me.

GO ON SUPEREGO. KICK MY ASS.

i remember the day i realized my mother was human. the day i realized that people , even as they gain wisdom, are always and forever: stupid.

people do stupid things. while trying to balance their superego and their ego. trying to balance getting what they want and desire with waht they know is 'right' .. people hurt others without meaning to. i can't blame my mother for the things i always wanted to.

i don't like feeling i might have feelings for constructs. real/created/byme/bythem/real.notreal.somewhereintehbetween.

fantasy can be dangerous.

fantasy is necessary.

i still feel like i lost something when i woke up. it's been hours. my dreams have a habit of lingering like this.

dance has been the purest thing i've found. dance and music. people who are good at either have my lasting admiration and envy.


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