spring in winter

it's spring in winter right now. I actually was thinking of throwing a barbecue. as though it were summer.

my hands are sparkling.

i have worryworms in my stomach. fuzzy is moving back to the area, and ... i'm both happy and nervous. i've taken all these leaps and bounds forward, and my biggest fear is falling backwards. and yet i wonder if maybe it's inevitible , at least at first. warring between happiness for him and wishing well, and my own ego (wants & desires. and control control control.)

i feel like i've needed a break from my own life lately.

i could live everyone elses life so much better than they could, why can't they take over and live mine for me? hey, we all need a little help from our friends.

last week. the kiss encounters. kiss #1: turkish guy "i like....this" he makes gesture that encmpasses my hair and body. i say "uh, thanks?" he puts his arm around me. i look confused. he kisses my neck, i look flabbergasted. he leans in for a kiss, i laugh. i push. i run.

kiss #2. . 2am. drunk. lost lipstick out of cleavage (don't them boobies make a fabulous purse?). searching floor. cute boy grabs lapels, says nothing. dances with me. i say "I'M LOOKING FOR MY LIPSTICK" He plants one on me and says nothing. i plant one back on him and say "I'M STILL LOOKING FOR MY LIPSTICK!" then we make out for a few minutes. i pull away and say "I HAVE TO GO NOW!" and run away. is this club culture?

weekend: much sleep. much cleaning. much resting. much staying up too late. much eating. much talking. muchly much of muchiness.

i don't get teh valentines thing. being alone on valentinesday. whatever. i mean, i was never averse to getting a card from a significant other on valentine's day. but .. anyway. it's a stupid symbol of a day and i keep forgetting it exists.

i am *so* much better with people when i do not have a crush on them. this, i realized last night. christ. like a whole different person.

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