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2002-01-30

how

cont'd from previous entry. (go back one. damn you)

i have a few years of manipulative behavior. i am not proud of who i am. unable to let go of the biggest relationship i've ever had. wanting more. kissing other people. not ready to fully commit again. not ready to completely let go. we try living together again. i move out. we try to figure out what we've become and if it's worth holding onto. co-dependent. a shadow of what we were together once. he's no longer really my best friend or confidante. and vice versa. but... when he kisses my forehead or holds my hand, i am moored again.

i move a few times. around the city. i see him less. we're saying the right things and not following up with action. we talk about love. we see each other little.
i'm 25.

i find it impossible that i will meet anyone who believes in me again. who i respect as much.

the lust is already waned. we are friends. and not even able to be good ones anymore.

a friend from high school comes to town. we haven't spent time together in a year. we meet for late breakfast. he brings his best friend from childhood. i pay no attention. although i tryto force him to eat my eggs. he declines and goes out to smoke. they walk me home. they look around my room. we listen to morphine. the friend comments on my brautigan books. i remember my friend talking about him . rock n roll uncle and dirty old man behavior already exhibited by age 19. he's 23 now.

they have to go see other friends. but we make plans to go to a show later that night. they leave.

i putter. i eat a burrito.

they come back for me and i ride in front. the boy sits in the back and sings elvis songs. he has a deep voice. old-friend sits in front and discusses biscuit-farts due to the lead biscuits from breakfast.

i am the laugh track.

we get to the show and old-friend has another old-friend to talk to. they obviously also haven't seen each other in awhile. the boy and i are left talking to each other. we decide to drink beer together.

i ask him questions and he answers some and tells me some are personal (they aren't). i am intrigued.

he goes to the bathroom and i grab old-friend by the collar. "I LIKE YOUR FRIEND" . i am surprised . i didn't expect this. i hadn't even noticed him earlier.

we sit closer. next to each other. old-friend is yelling things at the band. we are laughing.

we talk aboutmusic. i make his jaw drop once. we talk about books. we have things in comon. i've edged closer. we're just looking at each other. and it's one of those perfect moments. wher eyou dont' wonder if he will lean or if you should lean. it's just understood and you lean together.

we kiss. and kiss. his hand is in my hair and it is pulling. hard. we are a gross display. i am unaware of the bar. i am laughing into his mouth. we kiss against a wall. we don't talk again forawhile. suddnely old-friend is tugging on us. the bar is closing. there's nobody left. i was unaware. i am wet. i'd take him home right hten. i figure they don't want to drive the hour back home. old-friend comes up to me and says "he wants to go home. he really likes you and doesn't want to fuck this up"

we kiss to the car and they take me home.

we make plans to see a band the following wednesday. poor old-friend comes along and spends the evening alone, as we kiss near a wall. in a photobooth.

this is my first experience with unadulterated lust.

we have an alonedate set. we have coffee and i ask "do you feel awkward" and he says "no, i feel completely comfortable" i look at him. he says "we need to talk"

we go to my apartment. i'm scared already. he says "i'm bad at intimacy. i fuck these things up" i say "you like me" he says "yes" he says "this is the right thing to do though. i dont'think we should start anything" i say, stupidlike "you like me" he says "yes" i say "you like me a lot" he says "yes" i say "you're a chickenshit?" he says "maybe" . i sit on him. i kiss his neck. he tries to say "i don't think this is a good idea. you'll hateme someday" i kiss him. he says fuck it. i say "if you stay you're staying" and heknows what i mean. i'm forceful in a way i've never been. i want this that bad. and we get nekkid.

it's not easy. he's always late for everything. he's used to being alone. i'm stubborn. i'm used to somebody else and have a hard time rearranging how i think a relationship should be for this new one. we talk things out. i continue paying rent on my place after he moves to teh city and i stay there most of the time.

we fight more than i'm used to fighting. exboy and i had never argued. we were logic. this is more passion. good and bad. we laugh more than i'm used to. i'm used to laughing but i feel like i laugh all the time. we talk late into the night. i never sleep. we read all the same books as kids. we play word games. for the first time i want too hard. i push things more than i did previously. he's happy despite a discomfort with going from being a traveler to being settled. i'm happy. we impulsively decide to get married. it's the best 3 years of my life. then he leaves.

and now. i don't know how to begin knowing what i want, so i can return to being somebody who knows how to make things happen.

i forgot how to make things happen.

i was my own magic.

and i'm older.

and i can feel something fizzling around in there.

but i always got what i wanted. and i'm not sure how.


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