back that ass up

there is money in my bank. so on the agenda would be:

my fancy fabulous clinique soap that makes my face feel dreamy

my fancy fabulous hair magic that makes my hair do all kinds of scary things

lotion to make my face stop this dry chappy thing

a new toothbrush because i have an oral fixation and a tendency to chew things to death

that's it. i. hereby.swear.to.stop.there. (help!)

while talking to a friend last night, i was talking about my tendency to spit out all my secrets within a 2 hour period.

i've been aware of this proclivity in myself for a long time. I think i started doing it when i was 14. at that time it was a test. and i'd be as stark and straight as i could and see if people ran.

after a time, i got so used to honesty that i felt like if i didn't unburden the dirty in me, i was a liar.

i knwo this isn't true.

and i haven't figured out how to remind myself to hold back some.

it's as though i give the gift of my trust as fast as possible to see how it's treated. or maybe i think people won't abuse it because i've shoved this trust thing in their lap and they have no choice but to cradle it close.

i had learned by a certain point, to hold back some, but i think while i was at my most raw...i forgot. and i just wanted to peel back my skin and show what was on the inside.

except. the funny thing is.

those things aren't really me anymore. i just haven't figured out what i am now...so i keep reflecting a well-shelved, hung-away-in-the-closet-for-good self until i know my own story.

no more self-involved-loogies in anyones direction.

back that ass up!

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