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Heather Angry Fists McMurphy!

I'm settled in at home with a glass of Baileys and Ice. that's some tastiness.
I just ran some errands in the east bay and almost walked from El Cerrito back to Berkeley.. I've been walking a lot lately.

Chris called yesterday. I think i must have visibly dribbled over my edges the whole time(i was at work).
I was so full.
of happy.
He sounded so healthy and happy and good. I wonder what he'll do now. I know his main goal is just to go home to LA and live with dave and get a job. but... he was sober when he wrote his novel.I wonder if he'll get back to that or if he'll write another. I know he has tape after tape of songs he's written and recorded.
I wonder if he'll try to do something with that. it seems like suddenly there's all this potential opened up.
I babbled like an idiot for about an hour and a half. There's something to be said for familiarity, isn't there? I find myself trying to force that familiarity now. I'm even often conscious i'm doing it, but I just get frustrated and try to get to that point where i'm not aware of myself anymore.
A man offered me a poem tonight on bart. his crazy eyes whirling. Normally i would have wanted his poem, but i was in the middle of drooling lovingly over a song in my headphones. plus ..the last time i bought a joke, i was the only person who seemed to find it funny. (it was a funny joke, damn it)
(thejoke: HEY. WHAT'D THE FARMER SAY WHEN HE FOUND OUT HIS TRACTOR HAD BEEN STOLEN?

answer: HEY WHO STOLE MY TRACTOR?)
(hahahaha)(fuckyouit'sfunny)
as i walked to bart tonight. I passed some boyz. you know. BOYZ. with their pants down around their thighs. and this one guy let go of his belt to grab at something and his pants slid down around his ankles. HA HA HA.
i choked..

my first kiss with tongue was with a little cholo boy named julio and his kisses were like koolaid. we were 12
it ruined me forever. forever in search of more koolaid kisses. and my relationship with my horsey pillow was changed forever.

i feel like i only used to see drab things. after chris and i broke up. lost sight of things that were beautiful.
tonight an older man sat next to me on the train... he sat really still, with his hands sleeping in his lap. they were delicate.
with perfect nails and translucent skin. light blue veins were just visible under the skin and they were..beautiful. they made me very aware of my little sausage rocket fingers. (another neat superhero power. if i could actually shoot my little pudgy rocket fingers at people and hit them in the eye)
then i looked up and i saw a boy picking his nose.
you take what you can get, eh? but then a little later, as i slowly realized this boy was mentally challenged. i saw his florid faced father leaning over to kiss him on the head. more beauty! gross nose picking beuaty but beauty nonetheless.

it seems like people spend a lot of time looking for things.
doesn't it. for love. for sex. for passion. for a hobby. for something time consuming.
i've decided to stop looking for awhile.

boogie keeps drooling on my shoe
what the hell is up with my shoes lately.

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