pony

this morning is crisp and i am fuzzy on the inside.

my tongue feels thick and my head feels a little rotten on one side.

in other words, i think i'm getting sick.

i'm frustrated with my inability to express to certain people that some things aren't a big deal while being a huge deal for me and me alone.

some things can impact me while not having to impact you.

that things happened that haven't for awhile ...isn't a big deal.

yet on another level having nothing to do with anyone but *me* . it's a big deal.

i felt overwhelmed by strange fluctuations of joy this morning.

it scared me instead of appeased me.

maybe because i've been feeling that way a lot lately and i'm distrustful.

I think the joy is coming from my ambivelance. there's a joy in not feeling extreme one-way-or-the-other.

my dreams are intense. water in the periphery. strange freak shows. clowns. boats. and ..again. star wars. (whatthehell)

hoping i'll hear from fuzzy, but not pushing it. this is his thing. his space. his struggle. and he doesn't need me calling ...looking for attention.

there's no way to let him know that something has changed for me. that I think I can be a part of his life without my own weighty need.

despite these strange fluctuations of joy and amusement... i am unmotivated. I am avoiding work and roommate issues and every time i think about them... i just want to go to sleep.

why cant i work through more htan one thing at a time?

i am unable to emotionally multitask.

i've been copying entries from here into boogie, because...

just because.

i've absorbed an aesthetic that isn't mine.

i'd like to start a collection.

mechanical toys that verge on creepy.

they say you write what you know.

if only i had a firm hold on what that is.

k said, when dancing saturday....'heather you're wishy washy about life. and about money . and about responsibility. but you're not wishy washy about people. you know people. you have your shit together people-wise and understand them. most people never get to that point. so, the rest of it (the wishy washy), i think...is maturity. it will fall into place in the next 5 years and i think you can stop worrying about it so much. you have what really counts'

she went on to say she felt grateful for me. grateful in a way that felt like joy.

and i grabbed her and i kissed her.

and it was one of the nicest things i've heard in awhile.

because i haven't felt like i know people very well lately. but that's because i have a hard time getting past that initial hump with someone new. a new friend. and i've had a lot of new people in my life lately, while my core is fragmenting a little bit. scattering.

there have been two or three compliments that have meant anything to me and that was one of htem. another was someone telling me i was full of life. (which i also haven't felt)

and the other was crotchety saying something similar to karen. that while my temper is a blight (hoho) and i can be selfish. i understand me and people.

this is the me i reflect to those who love me. or at least a few.

i don't necessarily know that i see this.

my right hand is always so fucking cold.

i have been avoiding functioning this month, and i have just a week and a half to get the fuck back on that pony.

huzzah.

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