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2002-01-21

today

i think i totally want myself when i wear this deoderant.

you know why?

because i smell like BOY!

yes. i smell like boy and i walk around in a perpetual feeling of ..mmm self-molestation...

so ..maybei should change my deoderant?

nah. i think not.

i walked again today. to work. in the rain. myhair plastered to my face, rivulets of rain down my face.

i haven't woken up with wet ears in a long time.

i don't clearly remember the last time.

avenues point one way.

i picture you. in the sun.

as i walked in the rain . downavenues one way. the avenue the other way had a parade of people. in suits. with black umbrellas.

somber . mlk day.

and i felt this urge to cry.

i cry more easily than i used to.

i spent two years not having sex and dissuading boys from wanting to have sex with me.

for multiple reasons.

some good. some bad.

one...i was snail retracting ... touch was salt. i shrivelled a little inside with every fingertip.

but two. i didn't want to be who i'd been when i was younger. i wanted to be better.

i didn't want to manipulate. i didn't want to need so hard i used other people as silly putty to feel better.

passive aggression and manipulation.

optimizing on someone elses crush on me.

cultivating it.

i might have even taken it too far. shutting people down or myself down to the point that i became a non sexual being. and forgot who that sexual being was.

and i keep laughing . while walking.

alone.

i'm weirdly amused by everything.

and i have wetness.

and i dreamed about crotchety last night. i miss my friend.

and while i didn't want to manipulate strangers.

i manipulated fuzzy and i tried to bend situations to fit my hopes and expectations.

and i hated myself for it, because i was aware of every moment of it, and i felt out of control.

i fear being out of control.

i just want to let go control.

i've said that before.

conundrum.

the world just spun.

and i have a l ump in my throat.

dizzy.


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